“I am definitely in love with her.”
Not that strange a sentence. Millions, billions of people probably think or say the same thing every day, in their own language or in their own way. Maybe it’s a little more unique because I said it and I’m a woman. It takes the cake because I was saying this to my husband.
I’ve always had this little “problem,” let’s say, of falling in love. I thought everyone was the same, always squelching their deep affection for friends who would never know. After a bad experience with an open relationship that ended badly, I felt like I was doomed to be miserable or (gasp!) a cheater.
When I met my husband, he was already aware that I had this tendency. I used to joke that I would fall in love with someone new every day. And for a long time, I managed to keep myself in a monogamous relationship. We got married, we were happy, sex was great. I wanted for nothing.
Then I met her.
It was at first, as it usually is for me, completely innocent. It is hard for me to get close to people but for some reason, we just clicked. We spent hours just sitting in her apartment, talking, sharing our histories, discussing books, movies, and sex. Attraction became clear in almost no time, and a fast two months after meeting her I knew I was in over my head. At this point, I would usually back off. The other person has no idea and doesn’t seem to have the same feelings for me. Only this time I know it isn’t true. She’s expressed herself and I know there is a chance for something… something new and amazing.
It is not in me to be dishonest. So, nervous and excited, I sat at the breakfast bar in our apartment, tapping my fingers on the counter top. As I watched my husband make dinner, I cleared my throat. It was now or never. “I have to tell you something…”
His initial reaction was fantastic. He listened to everything I had to say, even being patient with me as I burst into tears and told him that I was sorry, apologizing for being fucked up, unable to be “normal” and monogamous. He said I shouldn’t have to be sorry. In fact, he saw it coming.
The calm and accepting atmosphere my husband was projecting for me made me feel safe, happy. He was understanding about the situation and as our conversation about things progressed I began to feel giddy. Suddenly my guilt about falling in love with this amazing woman was replaced with the simple joy of being in love, amplified by the way my husband was reacting. I gave him an out, telling him that it wasn’t too late to put a stop to it, but he said it was fine. I was just overjoyed that I was -allowed- to love her.So started my introductory post over at Life on the Swingset. Hi, by the way, I'm Blue (da bo de da bo dah) and it's nice to meet you. I'm polyamorous, married to my wonderful, amazing, fantastic husband, Arkanum ("Ark" for short), and in a committed relationship with an equally awesome woman who I call Kitten. My life wasn't always this interesting or confusing or busy, but it is now! I was confused and lost at the beginning, and finding reassuring stories online really helped me find the courage and the resolve to just do what made me happy (harming no one else, of course). And this inspired me to do something to give back to the community, not just the poly community, but the open and queer and general other community. Because no matter how lost and alone you feel, you're never alone. Especially with the internet.
In my research for some blog posts here and there, I've realized that people are much more open and true to themselves when they're online, like, say for instance, on Livejournal. When they can be themselves, but still be anonymous, that's when people are most comfortable. So I've found (for example) genderqueer people to talk to, who can be blunt and honest with me, and they feel more free to do so since they are not talking to me in person. I imagine that if I came to someone in person, a complete stranger, and asked them such penetrating and personal questions, I'd probably be kicked in the face. The Internet has really done something as far as communication goes--now, if only everyone would take the step across the gaps and open their mind enough to communicate in the first place.
These others I mention do communicate, and that's something else the Internet has given the world. No matter what type of other you are, there is, somewhere out there, a group for you online. Somewhere you can find friends, advice, information, somewhere you feel less other and more like part of a family.
I am an other, but that should have been obvious before this point.
So in this blog, I will be posting of course about my adventures in polyamory. I can't find enough personal blogs about polyamory and I think we could use more blogs that focus more on the little nuances rather than the bigger picture. But, I also want to share with you what I learn about the other others, and I hope that I can help you to connect with them. Because even if we are other, even if we are so greatly and vastly different, we are still people.
And, heck, this shit is interesting!
Sitting at a restaurant. My husband sits across from me. Next to him is a girl he's courting. This girl is my friend, someone I've known for a long time. I remember the day I met her clearly and I knew instantly that I would love her, and I was right. She was adorable. Well, she still is adorable.
Anyway, this isn't about her (well it kind of is, but it isn't about my fascination with her). My friend, Anita, and my husband, Ark, have been talking via text messaging since we visited with her in October. While we were in the area for a local festival, Kitten had come with us, so Anita got to see first-hand, more or less, that we were in a polyamorous relationship. Unfortunately, she also got to see Ark during the time when he was dealing with it in the worst ways, but that's a long story and another topic for a different date.
They exchanged phone numbers and were texting. At some point, Ark approached me saying that Anita confessed an interest in him. He was surprised about it, but excited and nervous about approaching me with it. What did I feel the most? To be honest, at first I was skeptical. I didn't think he was ready for a tertiary relationship so soon after a tumultuous period. But, at the same time, I was super excited that it was Anita; that it was someone I knew, someone I already liked and wanted to spend more time with.
So we started the negotiations.
When we sat down to talk about boundaries, I couldn't help but think about some of the articles I read at Life on the Swingset, where new swingers sit down to talk about how far they'd go and where the lines are. Soft swap or full swap? That kind of thing. I only had one request, and that was for him to talk to me before they had intercourse. Looking back on that now, I actually have no problem with it most of the time. There are some things we want to take care of, and other precautions I want him to take, which is mostly what the talk will be about (kind of like having “the talk” with your kid before they start sowing seeds). But I am surprisingly un-jealous about the entire situation. Polyamorists have coined the term “compersion,” which means to take pleasure in the fact that your loved one is getting pleasure, regardless of the source. Arkanum took a while to get used to that, but it seems like either I am a natural at compersion, or I am just less bothered by it because I like Anita so much.
But anyway, back to the story. Having the green light from me, Ark was free to pursue a relationship with Anita. This part is a little hard for me to relay, because it happened during a busy time for me. I asked Ark if there was anything he wanted me to say about the whole thing and he said, “I was confused, then I was good, then I was confused again...” I said, “Confused... but excited?” He agreed. Things seemed to be progressing from my point of view anyway; they were texting every day, and he was in that wiggly puppy mode almost constantly (I love NRE). We kept trying to talk Anita into coming to visit us, but for one reason or another (usually beyond anyone's control), it just kept getting put off.
Arkanum told me one day that Anita still felt unsure about the whole thing. This is a feeling I can appreciate and understand—I mean, under any other circumstance, dating your friend's husband is more than a faux pas. The major difference with us was that not only did she have my blessing, but I really wanted her to be with him, and (maybe selfishly) with us as a family. I wrote over at LotS about our Thanksgiving dinner, where Ark, Kitten and I sat around the table and ate like a family, and how I thought about how complete it would look/feel/be with Anita seated at the empty chair. I guess I am a bit of a homebody, but I want to fill my house with lovers instead of children?
Not wanting to pressure Anita into anything she was uncomfortable with, I just pretty much stayed out of the whole thing and let them talk it out and make their own decisions about their relationship. For her own personal reasons, Anita decided to call it off. Arkanum was hurting, confused. Everyone deals with conflict in different ways, and he was used to my straight-forward method: when something's up, I just want to talk it out and get it over with, get it fixed, so we can get back to being happy again. Anita didn't want to talk about it for a while. I'm still not entirely sure they've talked about it, actually, but it seems like maybe it's back on again?
I'm still kinda thinking about pushing for that Facebook relationship status, “I don't even know what's going on.”
Earlier this week, Anita came to visit us. It also snowed a lot and she got into a mini-accident which damaged her car enough that she had to rent a trailer and tow it home. I am always happy to see friends, and happier to see the really close ones. Ark and I were both super excited and I don't know about him, but I was quite nervous also. I wasn't sure of the status of their relationship, and I wasn't sure where any of us stood, really. So I just went on like nothing had changed. For me, nothing had changed really—I'll always love this girl and that's something I'd accepted awhile ago. Being poly for me isn't just about practicing. I've always been poly, in my heart and my mind, if not in practice. So loving people and not telling them, well, that was just a part of my life and something I learned to live with and will probably continue to live with if purely by habit.
The relationship between Anita and Ark does seem to be “on” more or less, even if not officially. There was snuggling and petting and social grooming between them, sometimes between all three of us. I'm trying not to insert myself into their relationship intentionally, since I want to give Ark the chance to try out poly love without my major interference, but I can easily see the relationship expanding to include me. I'm already emotionally invested, so it isn't much of a stretch.
Until I know what's going on, I'm going to entertain the happy family fantasy I have in my mind.
"All's Well"It's been a few days and I don't have anything major to talk about, oddly enough. Ark and I had vacation together, which I touched upon in my Anita post. We had the week off and went to our home state to visit some family, and while we were up there, we saw Anita again. All seems to be well so far with that.
Kitten and I are business as usual, no issues between us, which is just as well. We're learning some things about each other intimately. It's not an easy journey, but we're learning and as I'm sure I've mentioned, I do love to learn. I intend on having some more to say on this subject.
I am writing two blog entries now. The first one was about gender, but I've started and stopped and researched and started again so many times that I'm not sure when that'll be finished. Apparently I have a lot to say on the topic, and it's hard for me to get a steady line on it. The second one is about how getting false hope (or a false sense of security) from someone you love can affect your willingness to open up to them. Yes, sadly that last one is relevant.
"False Sense of Security"
At the beginning of our journey into polyamory, Ark and I discussed. We discussed a lot. His reaction to my admitting that I had an emotional attachment to another woman was, at first, too good to be true. I found out on the next day that it was, indeed, too good to be true—because it wasn't true, at all. He told me that he wanted to be supportive and accepting because he wanted me to “get it all out” and talk to him about this, without him blowing up in my face. So, in a way, for that day I had a false sense of security. My heart was soaring and I was high on happiness—I was in love! I was feeling the throes of NRE! I was so happy my honey was accepting of who I was and how I worked.
The next day was sobering. He was not, in fact, okay with it. He was pretty torn up about it, to be honest. I could not understand why he didn't voice his concerns the previous day, when I started the conversation to talk to him about it in the first place. He thought all the wrong things; that there was something wrong with him, that he was in some way inadequate, that I wanted to leave him, or I didn't love him anymore. I was distraught. Ark is my husband and I want nothing but happiness for him. I told him that if it made him feel so uncomfortable, that I would end my budding relationship with Kitten. We held each other and cried, I softly consoled him and explained to him the way I loved him and would never want him out of my life. We made love. And he told me not to end my second relationship.
Gently, over the following weeks, he started to spend more time with Kitten. At some points, he was seeing her more often than I was. He was no longer so depressed. There were group cuddle sessions and I was comfortable showing affection towards Kitten in front of Ark. We three spent oodles of time together, so much that I had to ask for alone time between the two of them. Ark and Kitten were friends—close friends. I thought we were well on the path to a happy triad.
Then, suddenly, inexplicably, Ark dropped her. He still doesn't know what made him turn. He saw red whenever he saw her touch me, and would be moody if she was around. At the very mention of her name, Ark would turn into a grouch. Again, I felt lulled into a false sense of security, cheated, but this time I also felt extremely protective of Kitten. I didn't want her to be hurt by the shrapnel. While Ark avoided Kitten and was rude to her when she was around, I was doing my best to make sure she knew it wasn't her fault. She eventually stopped asking him to come over for coffee. Eventually she even became wary of coming over to our apartment if Ark was going to be home, often timing her arrival shortly after he'd leave for work. The amount of discord was stressing me out.
Though all this time I'd been talking to Ark also, telling him I love him and our relationship didn't change, except for when he was being grumpy. For a while in the beginning, our sex life flourished, charged with the excitement of new love and further fueled by my building lust for Kitten in a yet non-sexual relationship. As time progressed and Ark grew more and more negative, he became less and less attractive to me. I cared about him and I wanted him to feel better, but he was not responsive to my attempts. He would say, “This is just something I have to deal with on my own.”
After the incident out of town, which I have alluded to previously, things started to change. For those who haven't read my previous articles, the basic premise is this: Ark was being flat-out mean to Kitten when he wasn't ignoring her, and sharing a hotel room with them for one night made it clear even to her that any sort of friendship between them was gone. He has damaged his relationship with her beyond repair, a fact that I know Kitten and I regret. Ark still doesn't seem to want anything more than to be casual friends with her. I still remember, and long for, the times when we'd all curl up in bed together for a good, long snuggle—I long for my false sense of security.
Arkanum is only recently realizing the consequences of his actions. Though I would like to say that it has had no effect on me, his damaging negativity in the past makes me hesitant to talk to him about Kitten at all. Part of the deal from the beginning was that I tell him anything that comes up or anything I feel he needs to know. The only thing he requested I not talk about at all is sex with Kitten, because he is uncomfortable talking to me about that and doesn't want to hear about it. (This, is also an extreme change from the beginning, where he was not only interested in hearing about it, but it turned him on, too.) For so long, just mentioning Kitten's name got him in a foul mood, so I slowly stopped talking about her in general, just muting out my time with her for him, and still starting a conversation about her is hard for me.
Though Ark is fine now, at least outwardly, I find that I'm still afraid to talk to him about her. About a week ago, I was having some issues dealing with my relationship sexually, and I wanted someone uninvolved to talk to about them, but I didn't want to talk to someone who I was not close with. That left me two options; talk to George, or don't talk to anybody. Kitten already knew of these things because we'd talked about them and we were doing what we could to work with them, but I was feeling the need to be commiserated.
I expressed my hesitancy to Ark about talking to him about Kitten, and he didn't understand at first. He would just say, “I'm sorry you feel that way,” and get pouty. It's not about him, it's about me and the way he's made me shy of talking to him because of the way he acted. I'm afraid of a regression—I'm afraid that talking to him about these personal, intimate things with Kitten because they are just that: intimate and personal, and they are special, important. I don't want to share them and open myself up to him about them when he will (in my mind) be aggressive about them later. I can't say that I know for sure he will react this way, but I am afraid enough about it to not want to broach the topic with him at all.
Hopefully I'll overcome this. I don't want him to think I don't want to talk to him—I do, because he's my husband and I've never had trouble talking to him about anything previously. He wanted me to just talk to him about it, because he doesn't want to feel the way he does about it forever. I do want to start slowly feeding him information and gauging his responses, but I didn't want to start with this thing. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.
As far as relationships go, for me, there are a few things I did with my past mates that I would never do with my husband. There are little gestures, or sayings, or even old habits, that I attribute to the relationship that I had with that person, and so I don't do those things with anybody else. I guess you could say that these things are sacred to the relationship and I feel wrong if I share them in another relationship. This remains true even now that I'm living a poly lifestyle; I have things that I do with Ark that I just don't do with Kitten.
Early on in my relationship with Kitten, I had already established with myself what was sacred to my relationship with Ark. We have our own code words and hand signals and even some body language that is purely, uniquely Us. I had always thought that what I felt was just for us, Ark felt the same way, so I never really gave it much thought.
I'm beginning to realize now that just because something is sacred to me in a relationship, it doesn't mean it's sacred to the other person involved. Some of the cute little things we do together, I've noticed Ark does them with Anita. Does this bother me? Well, at the time it did, but I quickly adjusted to it. I know that not everyone is going to feel the same way about things as me. So, just because Ark gives another girl butterfly kisses, it doesn't mean he loves me any less, nor does it mean he feels our relationship is any less special or important.
"Keep It Open. Plz."
"Keep It Open. Plz."
Communication is so, so, so important for me. I tell my partners everything. If something upsets me, it will be discussed as surely as something that makes me happy. I don't like confrontation, but I hate the resentment and fear I feel when I'm angry and I just want to talk to the person and get it over with—so I can get back to being happy and loving them.
So, earlier this week, when I felt like neither Ark nor Kitten were communicating openly with me, I got really down. It was a culmination of many things, but it all boiled down to one: I was giving everything, and they weren't.
I sat them both down separately and we talked. Actually, I was really pissed off, so for the first time ever, I talked and didn't let them respond until I was done. I communicated my hurt and my anger, I did my best to express why I felt the way I did, and I tried to work out verbally why I thought they might be holding things back from me.
- I feel like no one is communicating but me.
- When I ask how they feel about something, they don't answer. Or they say, do what I want, which if I did what I wanted then they'd be unhappy.
- I am open and honest all the time.
- I feel unappreciated (from Ark).
- I don't feel like I should want to try new things or be interested in other people, especially other men.
- I am hesitant to bring up any topic to talk about because of the reactions I get.
- I feel like I should just do what I want and not tell anyone, or I should stop doing things in general and just “settle down.”
- I feel guilty for being happy with my oso and I shouldn't.
- I hate their self-sacrificing bullshit.
- I don't want them to keep things from me to “protect me” or “keep me happy.”
- They need to let me decide what I can or cannot handle.
- When I ask Ark “why” something, he thinks I'm arguing.
That was my list of “things to talk about” that I made on my phone as they day went by and I thought about my impending conversations. Kitten got me first that day, and I think unfortunately she got most of my energy on it, because I really had a much bigger bone to pick with Ark. But the talks did happen and we seem to be on a clearer path, with more communication.
Oh, and, I finally started reading Tristan Taormino's “Opening Up.”
There's a lot more for me to share, but for now, this will do. I hope everything's going well with the world (all two followers and all).
We've hit a couple of snags, but the talks I had with Ark and Kitten about communication have really helped. Since Ark's father moved out of our apartment, we're slowly cleaning and reclaiming the place as ours. We're going to burn sage and clean the doorways and windows with saltwater, which will help purify the place, and it's a good habit to have when doing so much purging (as we will be doing). Our home is starting to feel like our home again, and this is more than wonderful. Ark gets off work at six every evening and I make a point to be home then, or near then, and lately we've gotten back into the habit of cooking dinner. It feels like we're coming back together as a family (even if it's just a family of two, plus pets).
Arkanum's relationship with Anita is best labeled with the “it's complicated” status from Facebook. It's clear that they're interested in each other, but Ark's natural jealousy and his bad attitude towards anything not vanilla has created something of a rift between them. Anita is curious and excited to try new things, meet new people, give love, and it open-minded... very much like me. But I am married to Ark, and am willing to work with him to help him overcome his fears and jealousy, whereas Anita can make the choice not to (read: she can walk away from the relationship if she feels it isn't working out).
I talked to Anita about the issues she was having with him, because not only do I want the relationship to work out between them, but (perhaps selfishly) I also hope that we'll form some kind of triad (or even quad, or so on) in the future. I don't know why Ark is acting this way. He used to be so curious and excited, too. Now, he won't even try new things. For instance, I went to a drag show at a local gay bar with Kitten and a friend of Ark's. We invited Ark; I even begged him to come. I thought it would be so fun, all of us sitting together watching these “girls” dance and sing! But he was adamant. Wouldn't budge on the topic. So, we left him at home with our two friends who were under 21, and the three of us went and had the time of our lives. Drag shows are JUST AWESOME! Wow! Some of those queens looked better than women. And they could dance! We laughed, we ooh'ed and aah'd, we hooted and hollered, we clapped and tipped. And I missed Ark. Because he is my happiness, he's who I want to share all the happy and fun and awesome things with.
So, I also like to go to burlesque shows. There's an awesome group that does shows in my area and I've been to see them before (in January). I missed the show in February, since I was out of town on that night, but I planned on going to the one in March and I was determined to drag Ark along with me, kicking and screaming if I had to. I had the mentality that he was going to come to the show and he was going to like it, goddamit. It shocked me at how reluctant he was to see a burlesque show! I thought, what on earth is there NOT to like about beautiful girls dancing and taking off their clothes on stage? It isn't that Ark doesn't like seeing women naked. He's been to strip clubs, and I've even gone along with him to a strip club before (I like burlesque better, actually). He just said, “I'm not sure it's something I'm interested in.”
Anyway, he came, he saw, and he liked it. Of COURSE he liked it! Burlesque variety shows are epic! I was hoarse from shouting. He's so self-conscious lately... he didn't want to heckle or hoot (which you are encouraged to do). I just don't know what's going on with him. And he doesn't know, either.
The next show I'm going to is on my birthday, called ANDROGYNESQUE. It's burlesque, boylesque and drag all rolled into one gender-bending variety show. I can't WAIT.
However... Ark, being the way he is, just doesn't want to see dudes dancing. At all. He was totally against the drag show (as mentioned previously). His attitude towards other things involving other men was starting to make me wonder... is Ark homophobic?
I don't want to think this of Ark. But it's really becoming more and more clear that he's afraid he might be attracted to other men.
Well, besides that, the situation with Anita (as I was saying) is a bit confusing. Moreso for Ark, who I've basically told to back off her and let her make the moves. As he's getting to know her and she's opening up to him, she is encountering the same closed-mindedness and insecurity that I meet sometimes when I share a new curiosity or idea with him. Anita told him that she's also pursuing a relationship with another couple, Xavier and his girlfriend Patience. Her relationship with Xavier has a BDSM aspect... I think. I can't really be too descriptive on this subject since I don't honestly know much about it. All I can say is that I think Ark reacted badly and it freaked Anita out. I believe that Ark is still looking for something that is “his” when he needs to grasp that he doesn't own people... even though I say I'm his, it's my choice to be with him, and at the same time I also say the same thing to Kitten. I explained it like this; when I'm with Kitten, I'm 'hers'. When I'm with Ark, I'm 'his'. But at the end of the day, I'm my own person and I choose who I want to be in a relationship with.
Anita doesn't like to feel caged, doesn't like to feel bad for wanting to do what she wants to do, which is precisely what Ark was doing. Ark cannot expect to be allowed to do whatever he wants (as we allow him to do), and still restrict what we can to do. I understand if he's uncomfortable with doing things—he is allowed to feel uncomfortable and I won't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. I will ask him to consider trying it, and I will ask him what makes him uncomfortable about it, but in the end, if he really doesn't like something, I won't force it upon him. But I don't want him to tell me (or anyone else) that it's alright if I do something, then have a bad attitude about it later.
I keep getting distracted... so the last part of this blog probably doesn't make much sense. Sorry about that! I'm just trying to wrap this up before I head to bed. So... yes... before I lose track again, I'm just going to stop typing. More later.
Ark is insecure. Yesterday at Wal-Mart, as we were walking around the women's section in search of affordable workpants, we talked about this. He wants to squelch it instantly. Anytime something makes him feel insecure, he locks it up in a little box and throws it as far away as possible, or alternatively, he runs like hell away from it. It only takes one bad experience with something in order for it to be ruined for him.
For example, he told me that he used to love to ride roller-coasters. But the last time he went on one, it made him feel sick, and since then he's never been on another coaster. He doesn't even want to try it, because of that one time when he had a bad experience.
I'm guilty of using this excuse too, but it isn't always a permanent lockdown for me. When I was younger, I would always order beef lo mein from the Chinese take-out menu. One time, every single piece of my beef tasted foul and was filled with gristle. Still, to this day, I don't eat meat at Chinese restaurants (take-out style, anyway—I like sushi). However, I have occasionally tried to eat the meat. I'll always order veggie fried rice or veggie lo mein, but I've also tried pepper steak, bourbon chicken, and even my old romance, the beef lo mein. Unfortunately, it seems I've just lost the taste for Chinese cuisine that includes meat.
My negative experience with Chinese food didn't stop me from being open enough to continue trying different things, or even the same thing that put me off Chinese meat in the first place. I realize that not every experience is going to be the same as the last, and that even my “safe” choices can be contaminated in a way that I won't enjoy (I've ordered veggie fried rice and there was scrambled egg in it, wtf?). So in a way, ordering food at a restaurant is kind of like dating. Even if you get the same thing every time, you might not like it. Or, it'll be better than it's ever been. If you order something different, then you're taking a risk. If you like it more than what you usually order, will you still order your old favorite once in a while, or will it be replaced? What if it tastes horrible? Then, you made a bad choice and wasted time and money on it.
I can't live in a bubble, even though I admit, I'm a creature of habit. I usually do order the same thing over and over at a restaurant, because I know I love that item. I'm always interested in trying new restaurants, though.
So, when I discover something new that I want to try, I start reading about it, start talking about it, start exploring ways I can do it. For instance, when I started to think about swing parties, I knew I wouldn't be comfortable participating. I wondered if they would mind if I just kinda sat by and watched. I was really turned on just by thinking of people having sex, with me watching. I have always loved to hear about people's sexperiences and sexcursions, so why not watch them in person?
When I expressed my urge to start seriously seeking a couple (or a group) of people who would let me sit in on their sexcapades, Ark did the usual thing—clammed up and got grumpy. When I asked him why it made him uncomfortable, he wouldn't tell me or he'd say he didn't know. (Later, he did tell me: He was worried I'd suddenly have the urge to join in.) He told me that it made him very uncomfortable to even think about watching people have sex, or even to watch porn with other people present. He says he feels like he's “not supposed to be there.” We then got into a huge, day-long discussion of what made him feel uncomfortable (there is a lot). Any time I asked him why something bothered him, he would get super defensive and argue with me, like he thought I was trying to change his opinion. I later pointed this out to him in a talk we had about communication and we're working on solving this problem. I'm just a curious person and I want to understand things—which is why I ask “why”.
I expressed to Ark that it was okay for him to not like certain things. I don't expect him to be into all the same things I'm into—heck, I don't even expect him to be curious. He can be vanilla and monogamous and I will still love him. But I do want to be able to explore these other things which, at this point, don't involve other people coming in contact with me (but they may in the future, and I don't look forward to that discussion). I just want to watch people have sex—I don't want to have sex with them. Hell, I probably won't even masturbate. I said to him, “I just want to go over there, watch these people have sex, get all turned on, and come home and fuck your brains out.”
He didn't have anything to say about that.
As we were talking in Wal-mart, he told me that he feels like he needs to change too much in order to be polyamorous. He is uncomfortable with many things Anita and I do and/or want to do, and he needs to accept that we are curious and want to explore things outside of the box. (This is the only thing he “needs to change,” that he is not open-minded and since he is uncomfortable doing something, we shouldn't want to do it, either.) I love Ark and I want to be with him, you know, forever, but there's things that I want to try that he can't help me with (or isn't inclined to try, like pegging).
He says in a frustrated voice, “I just need to get over it. I need to stop feeling insecure.”
I said, “You don't need to stop feeling insecure. It's normal to feel that way. If you didn't ever worry about losing me, then I'm not that important to you.” I explained to him that everyone has moments of weakness. “Just because I'm chill and I seem cool all the time with everything doesn't mean I don't have fears. I do. You think I don't worry that maybe Anita will be better than me somehow? I do have those thoughts. Sometimes they scare me, but then I step back and I'm like, 'Hey, I know he loves me and appreciates me, and he's with me because he wants to be with me.'” Sometimes it works, and sometimes it takes a little more reassurance (making love, cuddling, etc.), but I wanted to get it through to him that he isn't wrong to feel these feelings.
As a way to deal with his insecurity, I suggested that he handle it the same way one handles thoughts and ideas during meditation. “Just look at it, accept it, and let it go. It's allowed to be there, but you don't have to let it rule your life.”
"Love and Video Games"
"Love and Video Games"
The truth is, sometimes I don't really know what's going on anymore, and I'm really okay with that.
April and May are going to be full months. I'm focusing on Kitten, mostly since her birthday and our anniversary both fall during April. I got a free Spareparts harness in the mail (baby blue!) and I gave it to her, as half of her birthday present (early), but I ran into trouble when I tried to order the dildo we'd decided to try. It was “out of stock” or... something... anyway, it doesn't seem to be available. Today, Kitten and I remotely browsed the Vixen Creations website, and we're going to try the Goodfella. I'm not sure how it goes into the harness (it has balls?) but I'm going to do some reading while I'm saving up for it (it costs twice as much as the one we wanted originally).
I did already buy her anniversary gift(s), and I'd love to tell you what they are, but you're going to have to wait until after April 20th. Kitten occasionally reads this blog, and I don't want her accidentally finding out what I got for her.
We don't have much planned—just dinner—and I kind of like it that way. The time I spend with Kitten is relaxing. We never feel like we have to do anything. In fact, most recently, we've just been laying around in bed. I've almost gotten back into my old routine of taking a nap after work every day, and staying up later at night. It's just so easy to snuggle up to her in her big bed, under the blankets, and snooze.
At this point, I don't know if Ark and Anita are still talking. I text her occasionally, but not often enough to know what's going on in her life. We'll be seeing her in May, though, when we go back to my hometown for an annual festival. I can't say that I expect our short reunion to be any different than they have been in the past—that of close friends who don't see each other nearly enough. She has a lot going on, and she knows Ark and I are Interested, and there really isn't much else we can do. There is at least two and a half hours' driving time between us, and with the way Ark was acting toward her in the past, I wouldn't be surprised if she was no longer quite so Interested.
My relationship with Ark has gotten much better, though. I've been volunteering information to him that I would otherwise keep quiet about because I would be afraid of making him uncomfortable. Instead, I say, “I'm gonna make you uncomfortable!” and tell him. We went to the drag/burlesque/boylesque show and not only was he well-behaved the whole time, but he really enjoyed himself (as I knew he would!). I'm seeing subtle, careful changes in his demeanor and I like them. He is more accepting of my curiosity, at the best of times, he just seems amused by them. I suggested to him that we had a cuddle session with the two of us and Kitten, because I thought “it could do us some good,” and to my surprise (and Kitten's), he agreed. It hasn't happened yet, but I plan on trying to get it to happen soon.
I did have to have another talk with him about Kitten. It became clear to me that he was blaming her, and finding/fabricating reasons not to like her. It was extremely frustrating to me as I was trying to help their friendship get back to what it used to be, when it did not appear that he wanted to even be in the same room as her. He realized what he was doing and as I said before, I see the small changes and I do like them. Kitten is coming over for the first time since we had this talk, so today I'll see what's really going on (I hope).
In not-so-related news, I got an Xbox360 for my birthday. Let me tell you something: I have always loved video games. Growing up, I loved to watch my parents play on their Nintendo. There was constantly a computer within reach, since my mom was an accountant, and also a gamer, and she played the old Sierra games like King's Quest and Leisure Suit Larry, often with me perched on a chair nearby to watch. My first video gaming system was a Super Nintendo, and the first game I played like an addict was Breath of Fire. As I got older, I remember watching avidly as my dad played Silent Hill and Resident Evil 2 on the Playstation. When I got my own PSX, I was playing Final Fantasy Tactics, Tales of Destiny, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, and Soul Reaver. My mom bought a Nintendo 64 for the Zelda games, which I've inherited. I received a Playstation 2 for Christmas, a few years after it came out, and there were more Final Fantasy games, more Legacy of Kain, and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and Silent Hill 3. Once I moved away from home, though—once I was old enough to be responsible for my own money and budget and spending—the games slowly trickled to a stop. I still played my old games. Diablo II on my computer, Chrono Trigger and Zelda: A Link to the Past on my SNES. But whenever someone was talking about the new game on Xbox, or the awesome graphics on PS3, or the Wii Fit, I felt... inadequate. I felt like I was a Bad Gamer. I was way, way behind.
Well, when Ark and I got married, not only did my dad give us a sweet LCD flatscreen TV, but my gramma and my aunt pooled together to buy us a Wii and the Wii Fit. The first game I got for it was Zelda: Twilight Princess (naturally). I later bought the Silent Hill game for Wii, which is fun if you don't mind being absolutely terrified because you can't use weapons and must, instead, flail around like an idiot to fling the monsters off your character.
Just over a year later, I finally have a real gaming system (sorry, Nintendo, I love you, but Wii sucks). I got gamer fuel (aka soda and candy) and GAMES. Red Dead Redemption, GTA IV, and Assassin's Creed (which I have not played yet). There are so many games I want! So many PRETTY and AWESOME games!.......
...sorry, I got uh... a little excited.
So, if I disappear for a few.... months... it's because I'm gaming. If I ever get the Internet, I'll share my gamertag.
Poly life is hard to write about.
I think I'm noticing this, because just when I sit down and I think I have something to talk about, something else happens or I just don't have enough to make one post about a particular topic.
On top of that, just when things seem to be going smoothly, I tend to throw a wrench in the works and things shudder and squeak and threaten to fall apart.
I mentioned before that I really am not interested in loveless, unattached sex. Well, that's still true. I don't want a fuck-buddy and I don't want to have one night stands. I don't want to go to bars with the intention of hooking up and on all of my online accounts, it says I'm married and in a relationship and not looking for anything beyond friendship.
But recently, I've been thinking a lot about applying for a scene in queer porn.
What started this? I don't really know, to be honest. I've been known to take pictures of myself nude and share them. I'm not ashamed of my body and I'm not afraid to let other people see it. My sexual experience has been very limited up to this point and I don't have a problem with that. I like that I can count my sexual partners on one hand, and that I know we're all clean and safe. I don't really crave sexual experiences with strangers.
But thinking about participating in pornography... kind of turns me on. It brings up some issues immediately: for instance, I know I have trouble coming. Will my inability to orgasm be a bad thing on camera? Can I, will I, react well enough to give a good show to the viewers?
I know for sure that if I'm the one giving the pleasure, instead of receiving it, I will do great. I LOVE giving orgasms. So there's that.
Anyway, I asked Ark playfully, if I could participate in queer porn. His reaction was (unsurprisingly) to close up and be irritated.
I guess we'll be talking about this later, probably when my company has gone home. I was playful about it, making jokes and smiling the whole time, but his sense of humor just evaporated from the first mention of it. I don't understand why he's upset about it... so I hope he can explain it to me. It is so hard to talk to him when he is angry and defensive. I want him to open up and tell me what he's thinking, how he's feeling. He says when he tells me, and I tell him he doesn't have anything to worry about, he doesn't believe me. What else can I do?
Besides that, though, things have been great. I was away for most of this week and while I was gone, Ark invited Kitten over for dinner one night. Once we had some quiet time, Ark and I had very nice reunion sex. I'm still sore from it, actually.
Right now, I'm kind of going through crazy withdrawals from Kitten. I am crazy for her. Going crazy without her. I won't have a chance to have her until Monday, though. Time... it goes by so slowly when I'm waiting for something I really want...
"Something To Talk About"
"Something To Talk About"
How much of one's private life is the speculation of those around them?
I know my life is different. Very different. My queer sexuality is evident because anyone who's paying attention can see the way we look at each other, can see my hand resting at the small of her back as she browses the coffee aisle, sees her bring me flowers and candy and Coke.
They see me shopping with my husband. They know my husband. His father works in my store, and he knows about our life. Ark and I are happy when we're together, and we're happy when we're out, and in the store. When they see us together, I wonder, do they wonder?
I was told this morning that people at my workplace “have been talking” about me. Again.
Really? It's been over a year. I figured we were old news, now. Granted, Ark, Raja and I don't usually show up in the store together anymore, but they see me with him and they see me with her. Wouldn't one assume that, well, maybe we're different, but it's none of their doggone business?
Where I live, there is a great queer community. Unfortunately, it is not in the part of town where I live. It's in the city, naturally, close to the college, down where all the cute artsy shops are, down where there's life. Here, in the suburbs, everything closes early because there's a church on every corner.
So, I guess Raja and I are something of a spectacle. Top that with “I'm married” and it just gets even queerer.
Well, okay. I actually don't care what people think or what people talk about. They're entitled to their own opinions, even if they are bigoted or stupid or incorrect. What really bothers me about this is that people just don't ask. They'd rather talk about us behind our backs, and speculate and gossip, and it's pissing me off.
The person who told me that I was a hot topic said that people were saying Raja and I were making out in the breakroom.
Gentle readers, let me tell you something. I hardly even peck Ark on the cheek while we're out. I just don't like PDA. Holding hands is about the most intimate thing I will do comfortably in a public place. On top of that, I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with gay/lesbian relationships, so I'm not about to just start kissing Raja any old place. I really only feel super comfortable doing anything publicly with her in a gay bar. I know, it's really sad to say that. But I can feel people looking at us. It's like I can feel the negative energy poking at me.
It's sad that I feel this way. I even feel myself rebelling against the idea—saying, 'No! no! no! don't pretend to be something else! Who cares if they're uncomfortable? All you're doing is holding her hand!'
I don't, really.
But it's my workplace. And I don't want to get fired. I've been here for five years, and I have a career ahead of me. So, if I'm making my coworkers feel uncomfortable... I have to fix that.
"oh hai there"
"oh hai there"
What's up, crew? It's been awhile. I didn't mean to ignore you. It's just that, well, you see, I just had the worst month ever. We had a series of financial failures. Our power was cut off for three weeks. Living by candlelight, with cold showers, and no food (due to hoarding money to be able to pay the power bill and rent) in 100+ degree weather: it wasn't fun, kids.
Thanks to donations from friends, family and Twitter followers (many of whom fall into one or both of those categories), we were finally able to turn the power back on exactly three weeks after the cutoff date.
Sadly, it was not soon enough for one of our cats. Cassia, a 2-year-old calico, was a hider. By the time we realized something was wrong with her, it was too late. I was holding her in my lap in the car and she panicked, resulting in her asphyxiation. There's a Cassie shaped hole in our lives right now, but we are doing our best to pick up the pieces and keep on going.
Now that the power's back on, we have a lot of cleaning to do. Hot and humid weather does some terrible things to the inside of an apartment. Particularly the inside of a refrigerator. Y'all don't even wanna know what the inside of that fridge looked like. You REALLY don't wanna know what it smelled like (and what it still smells like, kind of, underlying) and what it made my apartment smell like.
Beyond all that, there are a lot of good and exciting things that have actually been happening. My husband's leather working business is really taking off; he's had an offer from the owner of a store in a local mall to sell his product in their store, and he has been selling custom works here and there. One friend of ours in particular keeps buying little bracers and bracelets from him, and the extra cash is really helpful.
I have several articles to write about, the least of which not being a conversation with Ark about Kiba, and trust, and D/s relationships. They are all linked (because they are all linked to things that happened in the past few weeks). It's just hard to sit down and write about them, even though they are really awesome and interesting and I want to share them with y'all.
This is basically a “hang in there, more is coming” post. I have definitely not forgotten about this blog! I've just be so super busy. In the mean time, check out this article I wrote for Life on the Swingset!
"Trust In Me: Just In Me"
"Trust In Me: Just In Me"
I said I wanted to write several different articles. As I'm sitting here, thinking about what to write, I'm realizing more and more that everything is connected. It could be one article—one really long article—and cover it all. I guess I could break it up into sections.
Where do I even start?
Usually, something happens and I think, “I need to blog about this!” but then I put it off, and put it off, because I think either it's still developing, or I need time to think about it. Then it tumbles and grows, like a snowball rolling downhill. Or, something bigger happens, and I forget about the original topic.
Or I'm just lazy. That happens, too.
When I started this blog, I was new and fresh in polyamory. I couldn't find any good blogs written by people who were going through the beginning of poly living, who were being open and writing about all the little problems and obstacles as well as the joys and happies. So, I thought, well I like to write! Why not give it a try?
I'm not really in the beginning of poly anymore, but we are, in many ways, still learning and expanding and adapting. Especially Ark. We don't have as many problems as we did at first, and he is more comfortable and more happy than he was. He is cautiously flirting (though still hard-fallen for Anita, who may or may not be DOA) and keeping his options open.
But, one of the articles I wanted to write was on trust. Trust is a huge issue for me—basically, I trust my partners completely and explicitly. I feel that in any relationship, but especially a poly relationship, trust is an integral ingredient. In order for me to feel happy and secure in my relationship with Ark and with Raja, I have to trust that they will do everything in their power to make sure neither I nor our relationship is hurt by their words or their actions. I also have to trust that they will always be open and communicate with me at all times.
I expect this trust to run both ways, but it does not, in either of my relationships. This saddens me to a severe degree. Neither of them talk to me when it's most important. They don't tell me when something's wrong, or if they're unhappy. They don't express how they're feeling or what they want. I'm left guessing and hoping I'm making the right choices. I'm also stuck between the need to feel free to make my own choices, and the want to make my partners happy. I explained to Ark that I need to know how he feels about things because I want to take it into account when I make a decision. I am choosing not to have sexual relationships with other men specifically because it makes Ark uncomfortable (even if he has no real reasons for feeling so, as I have continued to give him proof that I'm sticking with him).
Forgive me if I sound a little bitter. This is a sensitive subject for me.
Raja's trust is also incomplete. Often, she expresses (directly or indirectly) that she doesn't believe that I love her, or that she feels I'll abandon her, or get tired of her and break it off. I'm a very patient person, and I understand that sometimes things happen in people's past that make them afraid or broken or cautious. But I am also impatient, in that I get hurt when I'm being open and genuine to someone I love, and they think I have ulterior motives.
These weak points in my relationships have been wearing on me a lot lately. I feel hurt and confused and self-defensive because even though I continue to prove myself and prove my love, it feels like they just don't want to believe me. I know there are underlying fears, and underlying insecurities for both of them. I just want them to stop and look back at our histories together and realize, “Hey, Blue has been truthful and stuck with me through all this other shit. She's not leaving me. What am I afraid of?”
But I guess not everyone thinks that way.
In an earlier article, I talked about how Ark feels his insecurities and fears are wrong, and that he is bad for feeling them, and how we talked through it. I said that it's normal and healthy to be afraid of losing something you care about. In fact, if he wasn't afraid of losing me, that would mean I wasn't important (in my mind). I am not impervious to fear, guilt, jealousy—but I handle it. I know, logically, that Ark loves me, and that as long as I do everything I can to keep the relationship happy and healthy, he won't be going anywhere.
Just the same, if he decides we are too incompatible, there's nothing I can do about that.
Just the same, if he find someone who wants to be monogamous with him, and that's what he really wants, I can't do anything about that, either.
But right now, I have Ark. And Ark has me. Being polyamorous is natural to me. I am happy and comfortable loving more than one person, and being sexually active with more than one person, and exploring other types of relationships with other people. I like the “big happy family” feeling it gives me, and I like to love, and I like to be loved. Who doesn't? Monogamy is natural for other people, and that's okay.
I can't go back. I know that now.
It isn't in me to demand that one person be everything that I need. I don't feel that it's right to expect someone to change with my every whim (and trust me, I have a lot of whims).
Moving on to Raja, and her trust issues. Like I said, they're a little bit different. She's been stepped on in the past and, understandably, is a little unstable. So I am being that stable thing in her life (or at least, I am trying to be, very hard). I feel like she deserves happiness and love and I give her my all.
The two of us think very differently. She is thinking of tomorrow, and I'm thinking about today. Yes, that means I'm the kind of person to wait until the very last moment to do things, but generally (ok, sometimes) they get done on time (or close to it). I think my outlook on life this way has always been, on some level, a part of me. As a child, I never imagined growing up. I never thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never planned for college. I didn't even think about taking my SAT's. I always thought about what I had to do “right now” and what I wanted to do “right now.”
It's an “eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die” kind of life.
The finality of life has always been so very clear to me. So I live every day like I may not live to see tomorrow. At least, subconsciously. (I'm not going to go out and do anything crazy, because just as I might not see tomorrow, I also very well may.)
The way Raja thinks is more along the lines of, “I want to grow old with you,” while at the same time, I'm thinking, “I want to fuck like rabbits 'till we can't move anymore.”
Not that I'm not romantic. I am!
Sex is an expression of my love. (This is another thing we sometimes clash on; she doesn't want the relationship to be about sex, and it isn't, but sex is love, and I crave it.)
So, she is always worrying about the future. (Even if the future she's worrying about is the next day.) I don't think that way—I need to embrace what I have at that very instant. It might fizzle away, then I won't have it anymore, so I'm going to enjoy it! I'm going to take advantage of it! I'm going to give it all I got and take all it gives!
Raja's fears and her way of thinking sometimes combine, and create this catastrophic train of thought, which usually crashes when she voices her feelings without processing them. Usually, she does so in an accusatory or passive-aggressive manner, which automatically throws up my defenses and makes me feel like arguing. I am usually pretty good about not fighting, because I know fighting her when she's acting that way won't do any good. I really think about it like she's a cornered cat, threatened, who will lash out at anyone—even if it's the human that feeds them, brushes them, and gives them belly rubs. Even if they aren't really cornered or threatened—it's just a perceived threat.
Leading into the next topic, Raja and I had been discussing protocol for an official D/s relationship between us. I had expressed the want to be a sub; particularly, the sub to her, some time ago. We kind of went back and forth for a long time, neither of us really taking the position, but one night I texted her and asked, “How would you feel if I told you I want to seriously start looking for someone to be my dominant?”
She assumed I didn't want her to do it then. This happens often—I say something, and she takes it the wrong way, and is offended and hurt and takes it out on me, without even giving me a chance to explain. It's tiring and trying on my patience, but I explained. I said, “I really want to be serious about it. And I was going to ask you.”
So, over the next few weeks, we were discussing protocol; simple rules, mostly because any time I'd ask her what she wanted, she'd defer to me. I've told her that she is too passive; she needs to be firm and passionate and selfish (to be a good dominant, anyway). I said, “You need to take what you want. And if I fight you, make me give it to you, anyway.”
We never got much farther than what she wanted me to call her (“Sir,” of course) before the cracks in her trust became big enough for me to keep stumbling into. We had a talk about it—she still denies that she mistrusts me—and we both agreed that, as we were, a D/s relationship wouldn't work. We both have growing to do (me as a sub/bottom, her as a dom/top). And she needs to trust me, and believe me when I say I love her, and I want to take care of her, and that I'm not abandoning her or dropping her or leaving her behind.
This is also a key note in polyamory, I feel: to know that, even though your partner is seeing other people, they are still in love with you and they still want to be with you. I have said it before, and I'll say it again: I have no intentions of leaving either of my current partners. Even if I find others and love them intensely; even if I meet someone and it's nothing more than hot, amazing sex. Both of them offer something to me that no one else could ever offer: themselves. I love them as whole people. Their presence in my life has made me richer, it has made me a better person, it has made me happier and healthier.
"Close Your Eyes & Trust In Me"
"Close Your Eyes & Trust In Me"
The stress comes when one of them tries to contain me, because they're afraid I'm going to like someone or something “better” than what they can offer me.
(That isn't the point, imo.)
Talking with Ark about Kiba was difficult to begin, even though nothing had really started between us, besides casual flirting through text messages. Kiba talked to his girlfriend, who he'd been with for several years, and initially she said she was fine with him having sex with other people, but she wasn't sure about an emotional connection. This kind of goes along with what I told Ark in the beginning. I said I found it interesting that what he was most worried about and most squicked about was the idea of me having sex with someone else (particularly another man). If I had to choose what I would be more worried about, it would be everything else besides the sex. People can have casual sex anytime. It's the connection, the... well, the other stuff. It's more personal, more romantic, more intimate than sex, to me.
At first, I didn't tell him who Kiba was. Since Kiba and I went to school together, and we've been close friends ever since (he was one of my bridesmen at our wedding), Ark knew him fairly well. In fact, his name came up several times, when Ark would list my close male friends, citing the type of relationships I have with them (very close and affectionate, but platonic). I didn't want the relationship between the two of them to become awkward. About halfway through our discussion, Ark asked, “So who is it?” and I said, “I'm not telling.” He said, “Why not?” “In case you reacted badly—which you are.”
I don't want the same thing to happen between Ark and Kiba, like what happened to the relationship between him and Raja. I still want Kiba to be able to visit us and feel comfortable, and I want Ark to feel comfortable when he does. Actually, I want a lot more than that. I would love it if Kiba could be a third in both of my relationships on some level. While I know Ark will never want a sexual relationship with another guy, there are other possibilities (specifically, a D/s relationship). Kiba has already expressed an urge to be submissive not only to me, but also to Ark, and this is promising. I think. I hope.
Anyway, back to what I was saying earlier, about Ark reacting “badly” to the news about me and Kiba.
At first, he said, just “no.” Straight-up, no relationship, no kissing, no sex, nothing. I (naturally) wanted to talk about it. He was stubborn at first, and I may or may not have said some things in regards to the unfairness of it all, and I know that's not very fair of me, either. I do feel, sometimes, like he's getting all the good things about poly and he isn't taking advantage of them, while at the same time, he's choking my ability to appreciate being poly. I feel like I have to tiptoe around, and (like I said earlier) I'm also afraid to want things. I'm afraid to love other people. I'm afraid to want to have new experiences.
I don't like to feel confined by these kinds of rules, these self-imposed chains, where I am constricted and restricted by my own fear of hurting the person I love by doing things like having dinner with a male friend, or kissing a cute boy, or watching some people have sex (but not interacting). I can't control what goes on in Ark's head.
So I'm the good poly wife. I am supportive of his relationships. I revel in his NRE, I feel compersion like I never imagined I'd feel it. I want him to be happy and it makes me so so happy when he is. He is so. Freakin'. Adorable when he's in the throes of NRE. Okay, he's adorable other times too. Most of the time, when he's happy, he's adorable.
But, I didn't get to feel my NRE untainted by the sudden, hard hit of doubts and fears and anger and blame that came from Ark. It was like being kneed in the stomach while making soft, passionate love. And to this day, my relationship with Raja is in many ways still tainted with that fear, at least from me, of Ark freaking out again. (See also: False Sense of Security.)
As we spoke about Kiba, and the possibility of me having a relationship with another man, Ark began to relax. I tried to ask “why” in a calm and gentle manner. I didn't want him to feel like I was attacking him or his feelings. I want to understand why he feels the way he does, and he has told me that he sometimes just doesn't know why he feels uncomfortable.
This is a stand-still. We always come up to this wall. “I want to do this. What do you think?” “I'm not really comfortable with that. I don't want you to do it.” “Why?” “I just don't.”
It feels like being a little kid and getting the famous “'Cause I said so.”
I try to be patient. I really do! It isn't easy.
But, as I was saying, while we were talking, he started to relax. He changed his original response from “no” to “I need some time to think about it.” Progress? Maybe.
Kiba's waiting for a clear response still. I'm not pushing Ark about it.
Since I was no longer pursuing a D/s relationship with Raja, I made a few token moves on Fetlife to show that I was interested, and seeking a Dominant. The very same night, I was contacted by someone Ark and I had met a couple times fairly recently (during our power outage). Actually, I'd been in contact on Fet with his wife for a while before that, and I thought she was pretty awesome (and dang cute in person too). It takes time for me to warm up to people when I first meet them, and I feel like the Internet and texting has really made it easier for me to be social.
Anyway, so this person contacted me and asked if I'd consider him.
Later today, Ark and I are going up to their place to sit down, all four of us, and negotiate terms for a “contract.”
I feel some sort of victory with this step. At first, Ark was unsure about me looking outside of my current relationships for a dominant partner. Actually, I should say, he was a little offended that I didn't want him to be my dominant. I had expressed the want for this, but it was a long time ago, and I have since come to the conclusion that even if he was more dominant in nature, he'd still be My Puppydog. I just can't be submissive to him. Even if I pretend to be, for a little while, eventually I'm the Boss again and he's my guard dog. It's the Natural Order of Things In My House.
So, as I was talking to Sir (the man who approached me about being the big D to my little s), I was also talking with and relaying information to Ark. He seemed okay with it being this man. The Question, of course, was “what can I not do?”
We were talking. We were Redefining Sexual Contact. What is sexual contact to me? I think I said before, sex is “anytime one or more person is trying to bring one or more people to orgasm.” In the confines of my D/s relationship with Sir, and to keep up with my evolving and fluxuating sexuality and curiousity, it has changed somewhat. Or, well, “sex” has not changed—I still feel that my definition of sex is a good one. But rather, what I am comfortable with is changing, because I'm starting to come out of my shell and the things I've been passive and objective about, I am starting to want to experience personally.
That's probably something Ark is afraid of, come to think of it. He sees me starting off as just curious and reading about something, next thing he knows, I wanna do it, and once I do it, I love it & want more of it (or it's never heard of again, which usually means I hated it).
So, to my surprise, Ark sat up and said, “I need to start trusting you more. I'm going to let you make the best judgment.”
Yes, really. He said this doesn't only apply to my D/s experience, but to everything else, too. I'm still not going to just jump into a relationship with someone and do whatever I want, all willy-nilly (hehe, willy-nilly). I told him that I know he isn't comfortable enough for me to have sex with other guys, and it's enough to keep me from doing it, regardless of how badly I may want to at any given point in time. I need him to understand that other men, and other people in general, are not a threat to him or to his position in my life. Only time can prove that to him.
But still, when we go tonight, I am not going to be making all the decisions alone. I want to know his input and I want him to be happy with the agreements made between Sir and myself.
So, what's going on? A lot. I'll try and be a good kitten and keep y'all updated on things as they happen, instead of procrastinating, then bombing you with these really long and epic posts. And... uh... feel free to comment once in a while! It's nice to know I'm not talking to an empty room.
Two months. I hadn't realized it'd been that long, and I apologize. I've been a busy, busy kitty.
I wrote a (four-page-long) entry to post about a spot of real trouble that we came into. At first, I was hesitant to write it, because it was very personal and involved other people and I wasn't sure I wanted to throw it all out there in great detail. Then, I told myself, “Look: you are blogging about being poly so that other people can read it and hear about how you got through your problems. They will want to hear about this! It may help someone, someday!”
So, I wrote it. It was lengthy and detailed and it dredged up all the negativity I had felt when the problem arose. I had to walk away from it; I closed my netbook, and I didn't open it again for two weeks. When I re-read the file, I knew I couldn't finish it and that it would never see the Internet.
I'm sorry again, readers. I feel like this is some kind of failing on my part, but I really cannot put these feelings into words. Trying to write about it has proven to me that I'm still healing, still a little hurt and confused on the inside, and I'm just not ready.
The short version is that Ark broke a rule. It was an important rule that was there for everyone's safety and my sanity, but in the heat of the moment, he broke the rule. I felt betrayed, broken—and I was pissed off. I took the time to cool off and think about it and rationalize it and I've done the best I could about it. I hugged Ark when I saw him for the first time after getting the news, and we sat down and talked about it quietly and civilly. We smoothed things out. We're okay.
But things are undeniably different. I still love him and I have no intention of letting this lie between us forever. Right now, we're in a lull. We haven't had sex since the event and, while I want to make love, I feel like it should be something he earns.
So I gave him a project.
Ark cannot put his penis in me (read: in my mouth, vag, hands—anywhere) until he gets me off in some other way. This is apparently a daunting task for him as he's only tried once since I put it before him. He really doesn't know what to do. We've been together for like six years (forgive me—I am absolutely terrible with dates and anniversaries, which is why we were married on New Year's Eve) and he has yet to bring me to orgasm in any method besides intercourse—and even then, always in the same position.
So, I'd like some variety—I'd like to teach my dog new tricks. I just wish... yanno... he'd try sometime.
But, between you & me, I really miss sex. Like, sex with a man. I guess I miss sex in general. The past couple of weeks, it's thin on the ground and thin in the air, and I don't get anything but solo play. Not that I don't enjoy masturbation. But, OH! Something terrible happened, y'all. I over-boiled my toy. I put it in the pot to boil and... I forgot about it. It no longer works. I feel like such a dumbass. I LOVED THAT TOY. It was cute and sexy and it was quiet and it looks great on my shelf and the vibe is smooth and perfect. Perfect. Ugh.
I miss it, too.
But, back to the sex. Something positive that came out of the problem with Ark (no pun intended) is that he discovered that he is no longer bothered by the idea of me being sexually or emotionally involved with other men (or women). He's been opening up more—he enjoys going to drag shows, and I'm even teaching him proper labels (like, he was calling every butch a “drag king”). I'm proud of him in this respect. So, we are still growing... I hope we're growing together. We hit a hard bump in the road but we're recovering. Maybe soon I'll be ready to talk about it.
Until then, there's stuff with Sir to talk about, and maybe even a little bit with Kiba, too.
And there was an incident with a plaid shirt I'd like to cover, too.
So, Kiba came to see me this week. This had been a long time in planning; of course, he is my friend (We've known each other for almost ten years, believe that? Makes me feel old.) and could visit at any time, but after our mutual confessions, of course everything's changed. Ark had, at first, denied any allowance of a relationship between Kiba and I. We had resolved to wait, and be patient, and just be close friends as we always had been, until he was more comfortable. The change came quickly and, in many ways to me, it was too good to be true and I was suspicious of Ark's intentions.
As alluded to in my previous entry, Ark changed his mind about me being with other men after he'd been with another woman. To me, his saying I can be with other men is a way for him to further justify his relationship with Anita—a relationship of which I am completely supportive—and maybe, in his mind, a way to placate me after his big mistake. I personally don't want him to give me the go-ahead because he feels guilty or for some other reason besides the fact that he is comfortable with the idea and would be happy to see me happy.
This week was kind of a test, for Ark and I. Kiba was only here for four days, and I didn't get a lot of time alone with him (just a couple of hours). I was super nervous, not really sure how we'd feel or act while together. My love is all-or-nothing, and I'd loved Kiba for years and years, without expressing it. Would it be like a flood gate, opened and my emotions and passion rushing through like so much water? Or would I be calm, controlled, like a river, wild only during the storm?
Ah. Well, I say I was somewhere in between. The storm was brewing inside me constantly, but I did my best to reign it in. If I'd had more than just the few hours alone with him, I'd have probably run through the bases, exhausting us on the living room floor. As it was, we did get to play a little bit; kissing, touching. I won't go into detail, but I will say we each made our own messes. I was starved. I had thought that I didn't really miss sex with a man; I was wrong. I wanted it. I wanted him so bad it almost hurt. I had to remind myself to breathe, to take it slow. While we didn't have sex in the traditional sense, there are many ways of making love. He didn't fill me, but I felt fulfilled... in a sense.
I'm still starved.
The power of my hunger surprised me. It was literally dizzying. I didn't know how hungry I was—I forgot how much I was holding back, until there it was, stuck inside me and fighting the chains.
The last night Kiba was here, Ark started to exhibit signs of regression. I don't know if it was related to Kiba, but I suspect it was. For the first time, in front of Ark, I was snuggled up to Kiba and giving him little kisses and hugs. I'd been afraid to do so before, because well, you know, Ark has a bad history of being an asshole when he sees me being poly. I guess in theory to him it's okay, but not in practice. At first, I was sympathetic; it'd been a long day, and maybe he was feeling sore because of the rain. But the more I thought about it, the more angry I began to feel about the whole thing. It isn't like me to feel resentful, but I'd thought we worked through all this. Kiba is even a friend of Ark's, and he was in our wedding. It isn't like we were making out in front of him or anything. We wer
e just sitting next to each other, I was playing a video game, and Kiba would give me kisses on the side of my head once in a while.
Besides, it was nice to be around someone who so clearly wanted me as badly as I wanted him. A nice change from sitting around, waiting for Ark.
"Every Little Thing"
I wrote Ark a letter, and some talk was had on the subject. I've been getting a lot of feedback in person, on Twitter, and even a little on my blog about what I should do about my little problem. I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to respond, I really, really appreciate it, and though I didn't take your advice, I did take it into account.
e just sitting next to each other, I was playing a video game, and Kiba would give me kisses on the side of my head once in a while.
I don't squeak even the tiniest little protest, passive or active, at any signs of affection Ark lavishes on Anita when she's here. I'm just happy to see him happy. So, while I do feel a little guilty for feeling resentful, I also kind of feel justified.
"Every Little Thing"
I wrote Ark a letter, and some talk was had on the subject. I've been getting a lot of feedback in person, on Twitter, and even a little on my blog about what I should do about my little problem. I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to respond, I really, really appreciate it, and though I didn't take your advice, I did take it into account.
In particular, it was suggested by the majority of commenters that I just let it go and have sex with Ark to reconcile. I couldn't, and can't, do this. Why? you might ask. Because, while it may be the fastest and easiest way to get things back to normal, it would defeat the purpose of my setting this task before him in the first place. It's important to me that Ark learn how to please me, and I want him to take the initiative himself—but it was also a punishment. If I broke the agreement and gave in, it would be saying that if Ark did something to hurt the relationship, and I gave him something to do to redeem himself but it was something he didn't feel like doing, he could just ignore it and eventually I'd get tired of waiting and just give up and let him do what he wants. That's not gonna happen—that isn't how I work and that isn't how lessons are learned.
It was also suggested that I just force him to do it (bondage was implied, as was making ultimatums). Sure, Ark is my in-training/under-consideration submissive/pet, but we aren't a working M/s couple and we don't have protocol or rules where I can just make him do something. Again, it would also be defeating the purpose of the task. Ark hurt me and hurt the relationship, and I wanted him to make it better. Telling him, “You need to do this, or I'm leaving you,” was not the way to go. And as tempting as it sounds, tying him down and sitting on his face wasn't the answer, either.
So, how did I handle it? I wrote him a letter. It started off pretty erotic—I told him what I wanted him to do, in that fancy way that I do it, but the romance ebbed away and exposed my pain. I told him how I felt, and I said that I didn't really know how to get back... and I wanted him to help me.
Then we talked, and while we still haven't had sex, I feel better about the topic. I'm going to help him and he's going to help me, and everything's going to be okay. No, really! It is. Neither of us are ready to give up, we just got a little lost along the way.
<takes a deep breath>
So, I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor soon. I looked up some doctors close to where I live, so in case I can't get a ride, I can still walk or ride my bike there. I both really want to go, because I know it's the first step in getting better, and I don't want to go, because I hate meeting new people and hate sharing personal info with strangers and I hate going to the doctor and
But it's necessary and I know I need to do it. I want to get better. I actually feel better after just admitting to myself that I have a problem and deciding I need to find a doctor. I'm worried about going, worried that they'll say there isn't anything wrong with me and I'll just have to deal with it on my own. The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing how long I've felt this way (I remember being suicidal at 12) and how I self-adjusted to make living in society easier. I'm wondering now if my admitting that I might have a disorder finally is just a part of this evolution I've been going through, of wanting to be more true to myself and more true to the people in my life. I'm really tired of pretending I'm all right all the time when I'm not. So I need to change, and I can't do it alone. I am not too proud to admit when I need help.
In other, happier news, I went Yule shopping yesterday. I wanted to get a nice outfit for Raja (whose name might be going back to Kitten soon, please wait for confirmation). So I went around & did manage to pick up a nice pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. Then, I was thinking, I really need to get her a sweater vest because HOMG butches in sweater vests. Let me tell you. It is really hard to find sweater vests for people Raja's size. She is small! I wanted to get just a black one, with no design (I love argyle but I think she doesn't), in small (or extra small, sweater vests appear to run big). NO FREAKIN DICE. If I had time to shop online, and if I wasn't only paying in cash, I probably could have got her an entire awesome outfit.
I bought Ark's Yule gift last month, and gave them to him straight away. He needed them badly and I wasn't going to make him wait until the holiday, as I'm pretty sure it would have been considered cruel and unusual punishment. They were shoes—special shoes and special insoles for his feet. Though while I was at the mall yesterday, I saw this awesomely soft blanket and, remembering that he needed a replacement (our cat that passed away in summer, Cassia, was buried with his old blanket), I bought it for him.
So, is anyone listening? My blog has been pretty personal and drab and boring lately. I'd apologize, but this is my blog, and I can only write about my experience. What do you celebrate this holiday season? Anything memorable happening? If you're poly, how do you celebrate with your lovers?