12/26/10
"Opening Up"
“I am definitely in love with her.”
Not
that strange a sentence. Millions, billions of people probably think
or say the same thing every day, in their own language or in their own
way. Maybe it’s a little more unique because I said it and I’m a woman.
It takes the cake because I was saying this to my husband.
I’ve
always had this little “problem,” let’s say, of falling in love. I
thought everyone was the same, always squelching their deep affection
for friends who would never know. After a bad experience with an open
relationship that ended badly, I felt like I was doomed to be miserable
or (gasp!) a cheater.
When I met my
husband, he was already aware that I had this tendency. I used to joke
that I would fall in love with someone new every day. And for a long
time, I managed to keep myself in a monogamous relationship. We got
married, we were happy, sex was great. I wanted for nothing.
Then I met her.
It
was at first, as it usually is for me, completely innocent. It is hard
for me to get close to people but for some reason, we just clicked. We
spent hours just sitting in her apartment, talking, sharing our
histories, discussing books, movies, and sex. Attraction became clear in
almost no time, and a fast two months after meeting her I knew I was
in over my head. At this point, I would usually back off. The other
person has no idea and doesn’t seem to have the same feelings for me.
Only this time I know it isn’t true. She’s expressed herself and I know
there is a chance for something… something new and amazing.
It
is not in me to be dishonest. So, nervous and excited, I sat at the
breakfast bar in our apartment, tapping my fingers on the counter top.
As I watched my husband make dinner, I cleared my throat. It was now or
never. “I have to tell you something…”
His
initial reaction was fantastic. He listened to everything I had to
say, even being patient with me as I burst into tears and told him that
I was sorry, apologizing for being fucked up, unable to be “normal”
and monogamous. He said I shouldn’t have to be sorry. In fact, he saw
it coming.
The calm and accepting
atmosphere my husband was projecting for me made me feel safe, happy.
He was understanding about the situation and as our conversation about
things progressed I began to feel giddy. Suddenly my guilt about
falling in love with this amazing woman was replaced with the simple
joy of being in love, amplified by the way my husband was reacting. I
gave him an out, telling him that it wasn’t too late to put a stop to
it, but he said it was fine. I was just overjoyed that I was -allowed-
to love her.
So started my introductory post over at Life on the Swingset.
Hi, by the way, I'm Blue (da bo de da bo dah) and it's nice to meet
you. I'm polyamorous, married to my wonderful, amazing, fantastic
husband, Arkanum ("Ark" for short), and in a committed relationship with
an equally awesome woman who I call Kitten. My life wasn't always this
interesting or confusing or busy, but it is now! I was confused and lost
at the beginning, and finding reassuring stories online really helped
me find the courage and the resolve to just do what made me happy
(harming no one else, of course). And this inspired me to do something
to give back to the community, not just the poly community, but the open
and queer and general other community. Because no matter how lost and alone you feel, you're never alone. Especially with the internet.In my research for some blog posts here and there, I've realized that people are much more open and true to themselves when they're online, like, say for instance, on Livejournal. When they can be themselves, but still be anonymous, that's when people are most comfortable. So I've found (for example) genderqueer people to talk to, who can be blunt and honest with me, and they feel more free to do so since they are not talking to me in person. I imagine that if I came to someone in person, a complete stranger, and asked them such penetrating and personal questions, I'd probably be kicked in the face. The Internet has really done something as far as communication goes--now, if only everyone would take the step across the gaps and open their mind enough to communicate in the first place.
These others I mention do communicate, and that's something else the Internet has given the world. No matter what type of other you are, there is, somewhere out there, a group for you online. Somewhere you can find friends, advice, information, somewhere you feel less other and more like part of a family.
I am an other, but that should have been obvious before this point.
So in this blog, I will be posting of course about my adventures in polyamory. I can't find enough personal blogs about polyamory and I think we could use more blogs that focus more on the little nuances rather than the bigger picture. But, I also want to share with you what I learn about the other others, and I hope that I can help you to connect with them. Because even if we are other, even if we are so greatly and vastly different, we are still people.
And, heck, this shit is interesting!
12/31/10
"Anita, Daaaahling"
Sitting at a restaurant. My husband sits
across from me. Next to him is a girl he's courting. This girl is my
friend, someone I've known for a long time. I remember the day I met her
clearly and I knew instantly that I would love her, and I was right.
She was adorable. Well, she still is adorable.
Anyway,
this isn't about her (well it kind of is, but it isn't about my
fascination with her). My friend, Anita, and my husband, Ark, have been
talking via text messaging since we visited with her in October. While
we were in the area for a local festival, Kitten had come with us, so
Anita got to see first-hand, more or less, that we were in a polyamorous
relationship. Unfortunately, she also got to see Ark during the time
when he was dealing with it in the worst ways, but that's a long story
and another topic for a different date.
They
exchanged phone numbers and were texting. At some point, Ark approached
me saying that Anita confessed an interest in him. He was surprised
about it, but excited and nervous about approaching me with it. What did
I feel the most? To be honest, at first I was skeptical. I didn't think
he was ready for a tertiary relationship so soon after a tumultuous
period. But, at the same time, I was super excited that it was Anita;
that it was someone I knew, someone I already liked and wanted to spend
more time with.
So we started the negotiations.
When we sat down to talk about boundaries, I couldn't help but think about some of the articles I read at Life on the Swingset,
where new swingers sit down to talk about how far they'd go and where
the lines are. Soft swap or full swap? That kind of thing. I only had
one request, and that was for him to talk to me before they had
intercourse. Looking back on that now, I actually have no problem with
it most of the time. There are some things we want to take care of, and
other precautions I want him to take, which is mostly what the talk will
be about (kind of like having “the talk” with your kid before they
start sowing seeds). But I am surprisingly un-jealous about the entire
situation. Polyamorists have coined the term “compersion,”
which means to take pleasure in the fact that your loved one is getting
pleasure, regardless of the source. Arkanum took a while to get used to
that, but it seems like either I am a natural at compersion, or I am
just less bothered by it because I like Anita so much.
But
anyway, back to the story. Having the green light from me, Ark was free
to pursue a relationship with Anita. This part is a little hard for me
to relay, because it happened during a busy time for me. I asked Ark if
there was anything he wanted me to say about the whole thing and he
said, “I was confused, then I was good, then I was confused again...” I
said, “Confused... but excited?” He agreed. Things seemed to be
progressing from my point of view anyway; they were texting every day,
and he was in that wiggly puppy mode almost constantly (I love NRE).
We kept trying to talk Anita into coming to visit us, but for one
reason or another (usually beyond anyone's control), it just kept
getting put off.
Arkanum told me one
day that Anita still felt unsure about the whole thing. This is a
feeling I can appreciate and understand—I mean, under any other
circumstance, dating your friend's husband is more than a faux pas. The
major difference with us was that not only did she have my blessing, but
I really wanted her to be with him, and (maybe selfishly) with us as a
family. I wrote over at LotS about our Thanksgiving dinner,
where Ark, Kitten and I sat around the table and ate like a family, and
how I thought about how complete it would look/feel/be with Anita
seated at the empty chair. I guess I am a bit of a homebody, but I want
to fill my house with lovers instead of children?
Not
wanting to pressure Anita into anything she was uncomfortable with, I
just pretty much stayed out of the whole thing and let them talk it out
and make their own decisions about their relationship. For her own
personal reasons, Anita decided to call it off. Arkanum was hurting,
confused. Everyone deals with conflict in different ways, and he was
used to my straight-forward method: when something's up, I just want to
talk it out and get it over with, get it fixed, so we can get back to
being happy again. Anita didn't want to talk about it for a while. I'm
still not entirely sure they've talked about it, actually, but it seems
like maybe it's back on again?
I'm still kinda thinking about pushing for that Facebook relationship status, “I don't even know what's going on.”
Earlier
this week, Anita came to visit us. It also snowed a lot and she got
into a mini-accident which damaged her car enough that she had to rent a
trailer and tow it home. I am always happy to see friends, and happier
to see the really close ones. Ark and I were both super excited and I
don't know about him, but I was quite nervous also. I wasn't sure of the
status of their relationship, and I wasn't sure where any of us stood,
really. So I just went on like nothing had changed. For me, nothing had
changed really—I'll always love this girl and that's something I'd
accepted awhile ago. Being poly for me isn't just about practicing. I've
always been poly, in my heart and my mind, if not in practice. So
loving people and not telling them, well, that was just a part of my
life and something I learned to live with and will probably continue to
live with if purely by habit.
The
relationship between Anita and Ark does seem to be “on” more or less,
even if not officially. There was snuggling and petting and social
grooming between them, sometimes between all three of us. I'm trying not
to insert myself into their relationship intentionally, since I want to
give Ark the chance to try out poly love without my major interference,
but I can easily see the relationship expanding to include me. I'm
already emotionally invested, so it isn't much of a stretch.
Until I know what's going on, I'm going to entertain the happy family fantasy I have in my mind.
1/13/11
"All's Well"
It's been a few days and I don't have anything major to talk about,
oddly enough. Ark and I had vacation together, which I touched upon in
my Anita post. We had the week off and went to our home state to visit
some family, and while we were up there, we saw Anita again. All seems
to be well so far with that.Kitten and I are business as usual, no issues between us, which is just as well. We're learning some things about each other intimately. It's not an easy journey, but we're learning and as I'm sure I've mentioned, I do love to learn. I intend on having some more to say on this subject.
I am writing two blog entries now. The first one was about gender, but I've started and stopped and researched and started again so many times that I'm not sure when that'll be finished. Apparently I have a lot to say on the topic, and it's hard for me to get a steady line on it. The second one is about how getting false hope (or a false sense of security) from someone you love can affect your willingness to open up to them. Yes, sadly that last one is relevant.
1/15/11
"False Sense of Security"
At the beginning of our journey into
polyamory, Ark and I discussed. We discussed a lot. His reaction to my
admitting that I had an emotional attachment to another woman was, at
first, too good to be true. I found out on the next day that it was,
indeed, too good to be true—because it wasn't true, at all. He told me
that he wanted to be supportive and accepting because he wanted me to
“get it all out” and talk to him about this, without him blowing up in
my face. So, in a way, for that day I had a false sense of security. My
heart was soaring and I was high on happiness—I was in love! I was
feeling the throes of NRE! I was so happy my honey was accepting of who I
was and how I worked.
The
next day was sobering. He was not, in fact, okay with it. He was pretty
torn up about it, to be honest. I could not understand why he didn't
voice his concerns the previous day, when I started the conversation to
talk to him about it in the first place. He thought all the wrong
things; that there was something wrong with him, that he was in some way
inadequate, that I wanted to leave him, or I didn't love him anymore. I
was distraught. Ark is my husband and I want nothing but happiness for
him. I told him that if it made him feel so uncomfortable, that I would
end my budding relationship with Kitten. We held each other and cried, I
softly consoled him and explained to him the way I loved him and would
never want him out of my life. We made love. And he told me not to end
my second relationship.
Gently,
over the following weeks, he started to spend more time with Kitten. At
some points, he was seeing her more often than I was. He was no longer
so depressed. There were group cuddle sessions and I was comfortable
showing affection towards Kitten in front of Ark. We three spent oodles
of time together, so much that I had to ask for alone time between the
two of them. Ark and Kitten were friends—close friends. I thought we
were well on the path to a happy triad.
Then,
suddenly, inexplicably, Ark dropped her. He still doesn't know what
made him turn. He saw red whenever he saw her touch me, and would be
moody if she was around. At the very mention of her name, Ark would turn
into a grouch. Again, I felt lulled into a false sense of security,
cheated, but this time I also felt extremely protective of Kitten. I
didn't want her to be hurt by the shrapnel. While Ark avoided Kitten and
was rude to her when she was around, I was doing my best to make sure
she knew it wasn't her fault. She eventually stopped asking him to come
over for coffee. Eventually she even became wary of coming over to our
apartment if Ark was going to be home, often timing her arrival shortly
after he'd leave for work. The amount of discord was stressing me out.
Though
all this time I'd been talking to Ark also, telling him I love him and
our relationship didn't change, except for when he was being grumpy. For
a while in the beginning, our sex life flourished, charged with the
excitement of new love and further fueled by my building lust for Kitten
in a yet non-sexual relationship. As time progressed and Ark grew more
and more negative, he became less and less attractive to me. I cared
about him and I wanted him to feel better, but he was not responsive to
my attempts. He would say, “This is just something I have to deal with
on my own.”
After
the incident out of town, which I have alluded to previously, things
started to change. For those who haven't read my previous articles, the
basic premise is this: Ark was being flat-out mean to Kitten when he
wasn't ignoring her, and sharing a hotel room with them for one night
made it clear even to her that any sort of friendship between them was
gone. He has damaged his relationship with her beyond repair, a fact
that I know Kitten and I regret. Ark still doesn't seem to want anything
more than to be casual friends with her. I still remember, and long
for, the times when we'd all curl up in bed together for a good, long
snuggle—I long for my false sense of security.
Arkanum
is only recently realizing the consequences of his actions. Though I
would like to say that it has had no effect on me, his damaging
negativity in the past makes me hesitant to talk to him about Kitten at
all. Part of the deal from the beginning was that I tell him anything
that comes up or anything I feel he needs to know. The only thing he
requested I not talk about at all is sex with Kitten, because he is
uncomfortable talking to me about that and doesn't want to hear about
it. (This, is also an extreme change from the beginning, where he was
not only interested in hearing about it, but it turned him on, too.) For
so long, just mentioning Kitten's name got him in a foul mood, so I
slowly stopped talking about her in general, just muting out my time
with her for him, and still starting a conversation about her is hard
for me.
Though
Ark is fine now, at least outwardly, I find that I'm still afraid to
talk to him about her. About a week ago, I was having some issues
dealing with my relationship sexually, and I wanted someone uninvolved
to talk to about them, but I didn't want to talk to someone who I was
not close with. That left me two options; talk to George, or don't talk
to anybody. Kitten already knew of these things because we'd talked
about them and we were doing what we could to work with them, but I was
feeling the need to be commiserated.
I
expressed my hesitancy to Ark about talking to him about Kitten, and he
didn't understand at first. He would just say, “I'm sorry you feel that
way,” and get pouty. It's not about him, it's about me and the way he's
made me shy of talking to him because of the way he acted. I'm afraid
of a regression—I'm afraid that talking to him about these personal,
intimate things with Kitten because they are just that: intimate and
personal, and they are special, important. I don't want to share them
and open myself up to him about them when he will (in my mind) be
aggressive about them later. I can't say that I know for sure he will
react this way, but I am afraid enough about it to not want to broach
the topic with him at all.
Hopefully
I'll overcome this. I don't want him to think I don't want to talk to
him—I do, because he's my husband and I've never had trouble talking to
him about anything previously. He wanted me to just talk to him about
it, because he doesn't want to feel the way he does about it forever. I
do want to start slowly feeding him information and gauging his
responses, but I didn't want to start with this thing. Hurt me once,
shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.
1/29/11
"Sacred"
1/29/11
"Sacred"
As far as relationships go, for me,
there are a few things I did with my past mates that I would never do
with my husband. There are little gestures, or sayings, or even old
habits, that I attribute to the relationship that I had with that
person, and so I don't do those things with anybody else. I guess you
could say that these things are sacred to the relationship and I feel
wrong if I share them in another relationship. This remains true even
now that I'm living a poly lifestyle; I have things that I do with Ark
that I just don't do with Kitten.
Early
on in my relationship with Kitten, I had already established with
myself what was sacred to my relationship with Ark. We have our own code
words and hand signals and even some body language that is purely,
uniquely Us. I had always thought that what I felt was just for us, Ark
felt the same way, so I never really gave it much thought.
I'm
beginning to realize now that just because something is sacred to me in
a relationship, it doesn't mean it's sacred to the other person
involved. Some of the cute little things we do together, I've noticed
Ark does them with Anita. Does this bother me? Well, at the time it did,
but I quickly adjusted to it. I know that not everyone is going to feel
the same way about things as me. So, just because Ark gives another
girl butterfly kisses, it doesn't mean he loves me any less, nor does it
mean he feels our relationship is any less special or important.
03/10/11
"Keep It Open. Plz."
03/10/11
"Keep It Open. Plz."
Communication is so, so, so
important for me. I tell my partners everything. If something upsets me,
it will be discussed as surely as something that makes me happy. I
don't like confrontation, but I hate the resentment and fear I feel when
I'm angry and I just want to talk to the person and get it over with—so
I can get back to being happy and loving them.
So,
earlier this week, when I felt like neither Ark nor Kitten were
communicating openly with me, I got really down. It was a culmination of
many things, but it all boiled down to one: I was giving everything,
and they weren't.
I
sat them both down separately and we talked. Actually, I was really
pissed off, so for the first time ever, I talked and didn't let them
respond until I was done. I communicated my hurt and my anger, I did my
best to express why I felt the way I did, and I tried to work out
verbally why I thought they might be holding things back from me.
- I feel like no one is communicating but me.
- When I ask how they feel about something, they don't answer. Or they say, do what I want, which if I did what I wanted then they'd be unhappy.
- I am open and honest all the time.
- I feel unappreciated (from Ark).
- I don't feel like I should want to try new things or be interested in other people, especially other men.
- I am hesitant to bring up any topic to talk about because of the reactions I get.
- I feel like I should just do what I want and not tell anyone, or I should stop doing things in general and just “settle down.”
- I feel guilty for being happy with my oso and I shouldn't.
- I hate their self-sacrificing bullshit.
- I don't want them to keep things from me to “protect me” or “keep me happy.”
- They need to let me decide what I can or cannot handle.
- When I ask Ark “why” something, he thinks I'm arguing.
That
was my list of “things to talk about” that I made on my phone as they
day went by and I thought about my impending conversations. Kitten got
me first that day, and I think unfortunately she got most of my energy
on it, because I really had a much bigger bone to pick with Ark. But the
talks did happen and we seem to be on a clearer path, with more
communication.
Oh, and, I finally started reading Tristan Taormino's “Opening Up.”
There's
a lot more for me to share, but for now, this will do. I hope
everything's going well with the world (all two followers and all).
03/20/11
"Snags"
03/20/11
"Snags"
We've hit a couple of snags, but the
talks I had with Ark and Kitten about communication have really helped.
Since Ark's father moved out of our apartment, we're slowly cleaning
and reclaiming the place as ours. We're going to burn sage and clean the
doorways and windows with saltwater, which will help purify the place,
and it's a good habit to have when doing so much purging (as we will be
doing). Our home is starting to feel like our home again, and this is
more than wonderful. Ark gets off work at six every evening and I make a
point to be home then, or near then, and lately we've gotten back into
the habit of cooking dinner. It feels like we're coming back together as
a family (even if it's just a family of two, plus pets).
Arkanum's
relationship with Anita is best labeled with the “it's complicated”
status from Facebook. It's clear that they're interested in each other,
but Ark's natural jealousy and his bad attitude towards anything not
vanilla has created something of a rift between them. Anita is curious
and excited to try new things, meet new people, give love, and it
open-minded... very much like me. But I am married to Ark, and am
willing to work with him to help him overcome his fears and jealousy,
whereas Anita can make the choice not to (read: she can walk away from
the relationship if she feels it isn't working out).
I
talked to Anita about the issues she was having with him, because not
only do I want the relationship to work out between them, but (perhaps
selfishly) I also hope that we'll form some kind of triad (or even quad,
or so on) in the future. I don't know why Ark is acting this way. He
used to be so curious and excited, too. Now, he won't even try new
things. For instance, I went to a drag show at a local gay bar with
Kitten and a friend of Ark's. We invited Ark; I even begged him to come.
I thought it would be so fun, all of us sitting together watching these
“girls” dance and sing! But he was adamant. Wouldn't budge on the
topic. So, we left him at home with our two friends who were under 21,
and the three of us went and had the time of our lives. Drag shows are
JUST AWESOME! Wow! Some of those queens looked better than women. And
they could dance! We laughed, we ooh'ed and aah'd, we hooted and
hollered, we clapped and tipped. And I missed Ark. Because he is my
happiness, he's who I want to share all the happy and fun and awesome
things with.
So,
I also like to go to burlesque shows. There's an awesome group that
does shows in my area and I've been to see them before (in January). I
missed the show in February, since I was out of town on that night, but I
planned on going to the one in March and I was determined to drag Ark
along with me, kicking and screaming if I had to. I had the mentality
that he was going to come to the show and he was going to like it,
goddamit. It shocked me at how reluctant he was to see a burlesque show!
I thought, what on earth is there NOT to like about beautiful girls
dancing and taking off their clothes on stage? It isn't that Ark doesn't
like seeing women naked. He's been to strip clubs, and I've even gone
along with him to a strip club before (I like burlesque better,
actually). He just said, “I'm not sure it's something I'm interested
in.”
Pffft.
Anyway,
he came, he saw, and he liked it. Of COURSE he liked it! Burlesque
variety shows are epic! I was hoarse from shouting. He's so
self-conscious lately... he didn't want to heckle or hoot (which you are
encouraged to do). I just don't know what's going on with him. And he
doesn't know, either.
The
next show I'm going to is on my birthday, called ANDROGYNESQUE. It's
burlesque, boylesque and drag all rolled into one gender-bending variety
show. I can't WAIT.
However...
Ark, being the way he is, just doesn't want to see dudes dancing. At
all. He was totally against the drag show (as mentioned previously). His
attitude towards other things involving other men was starting to make
me wonder... is Ark homophobic?
I
don't want to think this of Ark. But it's really becoming more and more
clear that he's afraid he might be attracted to other men.
Well,
besides that, the situation with Anita (as I was saying) is a bit
confusing. Moreso for Ark, who I've basically told to back off her and
let her make the moves. As he's getting to know her and she's opening up
to him, she is encountering the same closed-mindedness and insecurity
that I meet sometimes when I share a new curiosity or idea with him.
Anita told him that she's also pursuing a relationship with another
couple, Xavier and his girlfriend Patience. Her relationship with Xavier
has a BDSM aspect... I think. I can't really be too descriptive on this
subject since I don't honestly know much about it. All I can say is
that I think Ark reacted badly and it freaked Anita out. I believe that
Ark is still looking for something that is “his” when he needs to grasp
that he doesn't own people... even though I say I'm his, it's my choice
to be with him, and at the same time I also say the same thing to
Kitten. I explained it like this; when I'm with Kitten, I'm 'hers'. When
I'm with Ark, I'm 'his'. But at the end of the day, I'm my own person
and I choose who I want to be in a relationship with.
Anita
doesn't like to feel caged, doesn't like to feel bad for wanting to do
what she wants to do, which is precisely what Ark was doing. Ark cannot
expect to be allowed to do whatever he wants (as we allow him to do),
and still restrict what we can to do. I understand if he's uncomfortable
with doing things—he is allowed to feel uncomfortable and I won't make
him do anything he doesn't want to do. I will ask him to consider trying
it, and I will ask him what makes him uncomfortable about it, but in
the end, if he really doesn't like something, I won't force it upon him.
But I don't want him to tell me (or anyone else) that it's alright if I
do something, then have a bad attitude about it later.
I
keep getting distracted... so the last part of this blog probably
doesn't make much sense. Sorry about that! I'm just trying to wrap this
up before I head to bed. So... yes... before I lose track again, I'm
just going to stop typing. More later.
03/23/11
"Being Insecure"
03/23/11
"Being Insecure"
Ark is insecure. Yesterday at
Wal-Mart, as we were walking around the women's section in search of
affordable workpants, we talked about this. He wants to squelch it
instantly. Anytime something makes him feel insecure, he locks it up in a
little box and throws it as far away as possible, or alternatively, he
runs like hell away from it. It only takes one bad experience with
something in order for it to be ruined for him.
For
example, he told me that he used to love to ride roller-coasters. But
the last time he went on one, it made him feel sick, and since then he's
never been on another coaster. He doesn't even want to try it, because
of that one time when he had a bad experience.
I'm
guilty of using this excuse too, but it isn't always a permanent
lockdown for me. When I was younger, I would always order beef lo mein
from the Chinese take-out menu. One time, every single piece of my beef
tasted foul and was filled with gristle. Still, to this day, I don't eat
meat at Chinese restaurants (take-out style, anyway—I like sushi).
However, I have occasionally tried to eat the meat. I'll always order
veggie fried rice or veggie lo mein, but I've also tried pepper steak,
bourbon chicken, and even my old romance, the beef lo mein.
Unfortunately, it seems I've just lost the taste for Chinese cuisine
that includes meat.
My
negative experience with Chinese food didn't stop me from being open
enough to continue trying different things, or even the same thing that
put me off Chinese meat in the first place. I realize that not every
experience is going to be the same as the last, and that even my “safe”
choices can be contaminated in a way that I won't enjoy (I've ordered
veggie fried rice and there was scrambled egg in it, wtf?). So in a way,
ordering food at a restaurant is kind of like dating. Even if you get
the same thing every time, you might not like it. Or, it'll be better
than it's ever been. If you order something different, then you're
taking a risk. If you like it more than what you usually order, will you
still order your old favorite once in a while, or will it be replaced?
What if it tastes horrible? Then, you made a bad choice and wasted time
and money on it.
I
can't live in a bubble, even though I admit, I'm a creature of habit. I
usually do order the same thing over and over at a restaurant, because I
know I love that item. I'm always interested in trying new restaurants,
though.
So,
when I discover something new that I want to try, I start reading about
it, start talking about it, start exploring ways I can do it. For
instance, when I started to think about swing parties, I knew I wouldn't
be comfortable participating. I wondered if they would mind if I just
kinda sat by and watched. I was really turned on just by thinking of
people having sex, with me watching. I have always loved to hear about
people's sexperiences and sexcursions, so why not watch them in person?
When I expressed my urge to start seriously seeking a couple
(or a group) of people who would let me sit in on their sexcapades, Ark
did the usual thing—clammed up and got grumpy. When I asked him why it
made him uncomfortable, he wouldn't tell me or he'd say he didn't know.
(Later, he did tell me: He was worried I'd suddenly have the urge to
join in.) He told me that it made him very uncomfortable to even think
about watching people have sex, or even to watch porn with other people
present. He says he feels like he's “not supposed to be there.” We then
got into a huge, day-long discussion of what made him feel uncomfortable
(there is a lot). Any time I asked him why something bothered him, he
would get super defensive and argue with me, like he thought I was
trying to change his opinion. I later pointed this out to him in a talk
we had about communication and we're working on solving this problem.
I'm just a curious person and I want to understand things—which is why I
ask “why”.
I
expressed to Ark that it was okay for him to not like certain things. I
don't expect him to be into all the same things I'm into—heck, I don't
even expect him to be curious. He can be vanilla and monogamous and I
will still love him. But I do want to be able to explore these other
things which, at this point, don't involve other people coming in
contact with me (but they may in the future, and I don't look forward to
that discussion). I just want to watch people have sex—I don't want to
have sex with them. Hell, I probably won't even masturbate. I said to
him, “I just want to go over there, watch these people have sex, get all
turned on, and come home and fuck your brains out.”
He didn't have anything to say about that.
As
we were talking in Wal-mart, he told me that he feels like he needs to
change too much in order to be polyamorous. He is uncomfortable with
many things Anita and I do and/or want to do, and he needs to accept
that we are curious and want to explore things outside of the box. (This
is the only thing he “needs to change,” that he is not open-minded and
since he is uncomfortable doing something, we shouldn't want to do it,
either.) I love Ark and I want to be with him, you know, forever, but
there's things that I want to try that he can't help me with (or isn't
inclined to try, like pegging).
He says in a frustrated voice, “I just need to get over it. I need to stop feeling insecure.”
I
said, “You don't need to stop feeling insecure. It's normal to feel
that way. If you didn't ever worry about losing me, then I'm not that
important to you.” I explained to him that everyone has moments of
weakness. “Just because I'm chill and I seem cool all the time with
everything doesn't mean I don't have fears. I do. You think I don't
worry that maybe Anita will be better than me somehow? I do have those
thoughts. Sometimes they scare me, but then I step back and I'm like,
'Hey, I know he loves me and appreciates me, and he's with me because he
wants to be with me.'” Sometimes it works, and sometimes it takes a
little more reassurance (making love, cuddling, etc.), but I wanted to
get it through to him that he isn't wrong to feel these feelings.
As
a way to deal with his insecurity, I suggested that he handle it the
same way one handles thoughts and ideas during meditation. “Just look at
it, accept it, and let it go. It's allowed to be there, but you don't
have to let it rule your life.”
04/05/11
"Love and Video Games"
04/05/11
"Love and Video Games"
The truth is, sometimes I don't really know what's going on anymore, and I'm really okay with that.
April
and May are going to be full months. I'm focusing on Kitten, mostly
since her birthday and our anniversary both fall during April. I got a
free Spareparts harness in the mail (baby blue!) and I gave it to her,
as half of her birthday present (early), but I ran into trouble when I
tried to order the dildo we'd decided to try. It was “out of stock”
or... something... anyway, it doesn't seem to be available. Today,
Kitten and I remotely browsed the Vixen Creations website, and we're
going to try the Goodfella. I'm not sure how it goes into the harness
(it has balls?) but I'm going to do some reading while I'm saving up for
it (it costs twice as much as the one we wanted originally).
I
did already buy her anniversary gift(s), and I'd love to tell you what
they are, but you're going to have to wait until after April 20th.
Kitten occasionally reads this blog, and I don't want her accidentally
finding out what I got for her.
We
don't have much planned—just dinner—and I kind of like it that way. The
time I spend with Kitten is relaxing. We never feel like we have to do
anything. In fact, most recently, we've just been laying around in bed.
I've almost gotten back into my old routine of taking a nap after work
every day, and staying up later at night. It's just so easy to snuggle
up to her in her big bed, under the blankets, and snooze.
At
this point, I don't know if Ark and Anita are still talking. I text her
occasionally, but not often enough to know what's going on in her life.
We'll be seeing her in May, though, when we go back to my hometown for
an annual festival. I can't say that I expect our short reunion to be
any different than they have been in the past—that of close friends who
don't see each other nearly enough. She has a lot going on, and she
knows Ark and I are Interested, and there really isn't much else we can
do. There is at least two and a half hours' driving time between us, and
with the way Ark was acting toward her in the past, I wouldn't be
surprised if she was no longer quite so Interested.
My
relationship with Ark has gotten much better, though. I've been
volunteering information to him that I would otherwise keep quiet about
because I would be afraid of making him uncomfortable. Instead, I say,
“I'm gonna make you uncomfortable!” and tell him. We went to the
drag/burlesque/boylesque show and not only was he well-behaved the whole
time, but he really enjoyed himself (as I knew he would!). I'm seeing
subtle, careful changes in his demeanor and I like them. He is more
accepting of my curiosity, at the best of times, he just seems amused by
them. I suggested to him that we had a cuddle session with the two of
us and Kitten, because I thought “it could do us some good,” and to my
surprise (and Kitten's), he agreed. It hasn't happened yet, but I plan
on trying to get it to happen soon.
I
did have to have another talk with him about Kitten. It became clear to
me that he was blaming her, and finding/fabricating reasons not to like
her. It was extremely frustrating to me as I was trying to help their
friendship get back to what it used to be, when it did not appear that
he wanted to even be in the same room as her. He realized what he was
doing and as I said before, I see the small changes and I do like them.
Kitten is coming over for the first time since we had this talk, so
today I'll see what's really going on (I hope).
In
not-so-related news, I got an Xbox360 for my birthday. Let me tell you
something: I have always loved video games. Growing up, I loved to watch
my parents play on their Nintendo. There was constantly a computer
within reach, since my mom was an accountant, and also a gamer, and she
played the old Sierra games like King's Quest and Leisure Suit Larry,
often with me perched on a chair nearby to watch. My first video gaming
system was a Super Nintendo, and the first game I played like an addict
was Breath of Fire. As I got older, I remember watching avidly as my dad
played Silent Hill and Resident Evil 2 on the Playstation. When I got
my own PSX, I was playing Final Fantasy Tactics, Tales of Destiny,
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, and Soul Reaver. My mom bought a
Nintendo 64 for the Zelda games, which I've inherited. I received a
Playstation 2 for Christmas, a few years after it came out, and there
were more Final Fantasy games, more Legacy of Kain, and Grand Theft
Auto: Vice City and Silent Hill 3. Once I moved away from home,
though—once I was old enough to be responsible for my own money and
budget and spending—the games slowly trickled to a stop. I still played
my old games. Diablo II on my computer, Chrono Trigger and Zelda: A Link
to the Past on my SNES. But whenever someone was talking about the new
game on Xbox, or the awesome graphics on PS3, or the Wii Fit, I felt...
inadequate. I felt like I was a Bad Gamer. I was way, way behind.
Well,
when Ark and I got married, not only did my dad give us a sweet LCD
flatscreen TV, but my gramma and my aunt pooled together to buy us a Wii
and the Wii Fit. The first game I got for it was Zelda: Twilight
Princess (naturally). I later bought the Silent Hill game for Wii, which
is fun if you don't mind being absolutely terrified because you can't
use weapons and must, instead, flail around like an idiot to fling the
monsters off your character.
Just
over a year later, I finally have a real gaming system (sorry,
Nintendo, I love you, but Wii sucks). I got gamer fuel (aka soda and
candy) and GAMES. Red Dead Redemption, GTA IV, and Assassin's Creed
(which I have not played yet). There are so many games I want! So many
PRETTY and AWESOME games!.......
...sorry, I got uh... a little excited.
So, if I disappear for a few.... months... it's because I'm gaming. If I ever get the Internet, I'll share my gamertag.
5/13/11
"Superstar"
5/13/11
"Superstar"
Poly life is hard to write about.
I
think I'm noticing this, because just when I sit down and I think I
have something to talk about, something else happens or I just don't
have enough to make one post about a particular topic.
On
top of that, just when things seem to be going smoothly, I tend to
throw a wrench in the works and things shudder and squeak and threaten
to fall apart.
I
mentioned before that I really am not interested in loveless,
unattached sex. Well, that's still true. I don't want a fuck-buddy and I
don't want to have one night stands. I don't want to go to bars with
the intention of hooking up and on all of my online accounts, it says
I'm married and in a relationship and not looking for anything beyond
friendship.
But recently, I've been thinking a lot about applying for a scene in queer porn.
What
started this? I don't really know, to be honest. I've been known to
take pictures of myself nude and share them. I'm not ashamed of my body
and I'm not afraid to let other people see it. My sexual experience has
been very limited up to this point and I don't have a problem with that.
I like that I can count my sexual partners on one hand, and that I know
we're all clean and safe. I don't really crave sexual experiences with
strangers.
But
thinking about participating in pornography... kind of turns me on. It
brings up some issues immediately: for instance, I know I have trouble
coming. Will my inability to orgasm be a bad thing on camera? Can I,
will I, react well enough to give a good show to the viewers?
I
know for sure that if I'm the one giving the pleasure, instead of
receiving it, I will do great. I LOVE giving orgasms. So there's that.
Anyway,
I asked Ark playfully, if I could participate in queer porn. His
reaction was (unsurprisingly) to close up and be irritated.
Sigh.
I
guess we'll be talking about this later, probably when my company has
gone home. I was playful about it, making jokes and smiling the whole
time, but his sense of humor just evaporated from the first mention of
it. I don't understand why he's upset about it... so I hope he can
explain it to me. It is so hard to talk to him when he is angry and
defensive. I want him to open up and tell me what he's thinking, how
he's feeling. He says when he tells me, and I tell him he doesn't have
anything to worry about, he doesn't believe me. What else can I do?
Besides
that, though, things have been great. I was away for most of this week
and while I was gone, Ark invited Kitten over for dinner one night. Once
we had some quiet time, Ark and I had very nice reunion sex. I'm still
sore from it, actually.
Right
now, I'm kind of going through crazy withdrawals from Kitten. I am
crazy for her. Going crazy without her. I won't have a chance to have
her until Monday, though. Time... it goes by so slowly when I'm waiting
for something I really want...
6/17/11
"Something To Talk About"
6/17/11
"Something To Talk About"
How much of one's private life is the speculation of those around them?
I
know my life is different. Very different. My queer sexuality is
evident because anyone who's paying attention can see the way we look at
each other, can see my hand resting at the small of her back as she
browses the coffee aisle, sees her bring me flowers and candy and Coke.
They
see me shopping with my husband. They know my husband. His father works
in my store, and he knows about our life. Ark and I are happy when
we're together, and we're happy when we're out, and in the store. When
they see us together, I wonder, do they wonder?
I was told this morning that people at my workplace “have been talking” about me. Again.
Really?
It's been over a year. I figured we were old news, now. Granted, Ark,
Raja and I don't usually show up in the store together anymore, but they
see me with him and they see me with her. Wouldn't one assume that,
well, maybe we're different, but it's none of their doggone business?
Where
I live, there is a great queer community. Unfortunately, it is not in
the part of town where I live. It's in the city, naturally, close to the
college, down where all the cute artsy shops are, down where there's
life. Here, in the suburbs, everything closes early because there's a
church on every corner.
So, I guess Raja and I are something of a spectacle. Top that with “I'm married” and it just gets even queerer.
Well,
okay. I actually don't care what people think or what people talk
about. They're entitled to their own opinions, even if they are bigoted
or stupid or incorrect. What really bothers me about this is that people
just don't ask. They'd rather talk about us behind our backs, and
speculate and gossip, and it's pissing me off.
The person who told me that I was a hot topic said that people were saying Raja and I were making out in the breakroom.
I laughed.
Gentle
readers, let me tell you something. I hardly even peck Ark on the cheek
while we're out. I just don't like PDA. Holding hands is about the most
intimate thing I will do comfortably in a public place. On top of that,
I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with gay/lesbian
relationships, so I'm not about to just start kissing Raja any old
place. I really only feel super comfortable doing anything publicly with
her in a gay bar. I know, it's really sad to say that. But I can feel
people looking at us. It's like I can feel the negative energy poking at
me.
It's
sad that I feel this way. I even feel myself rebelling against the
idea—saying, 'No! no! no! don't pretend to be something else! Who cares
if they're uncomfortable? All you're doing is holding her hand!'
Who cares?
I don't, really.
But
it's my workplace. And I don't want to get fired. I've been here for
five years, and I have a career ahead of me. So, if I'm making my
coworkers feel uncomfortable... I have to fix that.
Damn it.
8/3/11
"oh hai there"
8/3/11
"oh hai there"
What's up, crew? It's been awhile. I
didn't mean to ignore you. It's just that, well, you see, I just had
the worst month ever. We had a series of financial failures. Our power
was cut off for three weeks. Living by candlelight, with cold showers,
and no food (due to hoarding money to be able to pay the power bill and
rent) in 100+ degree weather: it wasn't fun, kids.
Thanks
to donations from friends, family and Twitter followers (many of whom
fall into one or both of those categories), we were finally able to turn
the power back on exactly three weeks after the cutoff date.
Sadly,
it was not soon enough for one of our cats. Cassia, a 2-year-old
calico, was a hider. By the time we realized something was wrong with
her, it was too late. I was holding her in my lap in the car and she
panicked, resulting in her asphyxiation. There's a Cassie shaped hole in
our lives right now, but we are doing our best to pick up the pieces
and keep on going.
Now
that the power's back on, we have a lot of cleaning to do. Hot and
humid weather does some terrible things to the inside of an apartment.
Particularly the inside of a refrigerator. Y'all don't even wanna know
what the inside of that fridge looked like. You REALLY don't wanna know
what it smelled like (and what it still smells like, kind of,
underlying) and what it made my apartment smell like.
Beyond
all that, there are a lot of good and exciting things that have
actually been happening. My husband's leather working business is really
taking off; he's had an offer from the owner of a store in a local mall
to sell his product in their store, and he has been selling custom
works here and there. One friend of ours in particular keeps buying
little bracers and bracelets from him, and the extra cash is really
helpful.
I
have several articles to write about, the least of which not being a
conversation with Ark about Kiba, and trust, and D/s relationships. They
are all linked (because they are all linked to things that happened in
the past few weeks). It's just hard to sit down and write about them,
even though they are really awesome and interesting and I want to share
them with y'all.
This
is basically a “hang in there, more is coming” post. I have definitely
not forgotten about this blog! I've just be so super busy. In the mean
time, check out this article I wrote for Life on the Swingset!
Stay tuned!
8/8/11-8/10/11
"Trust In Me: Just In Me"
8/8/11-8/10/11
"Trust In Me: Just In Me"
I said I wanted to write
several different articles. As I'm sitting here, thinking about what to
write, I'm realizing more and more that everything is connected. It
could be one article—one really long article—and cover it all. I guess I
could break it up into sections.
Where do I even start?
Usually,
something happens and I think, “I need to blog about this!” but then I
put it off, and put it off, because I think either it's still
developing, or I need time to think about it. Then it tumbles and grows,
like a snowball rolling downhill. Or, something bigger happens, and I
forget about the original topic.
Or I'm just lazy. That happens, too.
When
I started this blog, I was new and fresh in polyamory. I couldn't find
any good blogs written by people who were going through the beginning of
poly living, who were being open and writing about all the little
problems and obstacles as well as the joys and happies. So, I thought,
well I like to write! Why not give it a try?
I'm
not really in the beginning of poly anymore, but we are, in many ways,
still learning and expanding and adapting. Especially Ark. We don't have
as many problems as we did at first, and he is more comfortable and
more happy than he was. He is cautiously flirting (though still
hard-fallen for Anita, who may or may not be DOA) and keeping his options open.
But,
one of the articles I wanted to write was on trust. Trust is a huge
issue for me—basically, I trust my partners completely and explicitly. I
feel that in any relationship, but especially a poly relationship,
trust is an integral ingredient. In order for me to feel happy and
secure in my relationship with Ark and with Raja, I have to trust that
they will do everything in their power to make sure neither I nor our
relationship is hurt by their words or their actions. I also have to
trust that they will always be open and communicate with me at all
times.
I expect this trust to run both ways, but it does not, in either of my relationships. This saddens me to a severe degree. Neither of them talk to me when it's most important.
They don't tell me when something's wrong, or if they're unhappy. They
don't express how they're feeling or what they want. I'm left guessing
and hoping I'm making the right choices. I'm also stuck between the need
to feel free to make my own choices, and the want to make my partners
happy. I explained to Ark that I need to know how he feels about things
because I want to take it into account when I make a decision. I am
choosing not to have sexual relationships with other men specifically
because it makes Ark uncomfortable (even if he has no real reasons for
feeling so, as I have continued to give him proof that I'm sticking with
him).
Forgive me if I sound a little bitter. This is a sensitive subject for me.
Raja's
trust is also incomplete. Often, she expresses (directly or indirectly)
that she doesn't believe that I love her, or that she feels I'll
abandon her, or get tired of her and break it off. I'm a very patient
person, and I understand that sometimes things happen in people's past
that make them afraid or broken or cautious. But I am also impatient, in
that I get hurt when I'm being open and genuine to someone I love, and
they think I have ulterior motives.
These
weak points in my relationships have been wearing on me a lot lately. I
feel hurt and confused and self-defensive because even though I
continue to prove myself and prove my love, it feels like they just
don't want to believe me. I know there are underlying fears, and
underlying insecurities for both of them. I just want them to stop and
look back at our histories together and realize, “Hey, Blue has been
truthful and stuck with me through all this other shit. She's not
leaving me. What am I afraid of?”
But I guess not everyone thinks that way.
In an earlier article,
I talked about how Ark feels his insecurities and fears are wrong, and
that he is bad for feeling them, and how we talked through it. I said
that it's normal and healthy to be afraid of losing something you care
about. In fact, if he wasn't afraid of losing me, that would mean I
wasn't important (in my mind). I am not impervious to fear, guilt,
jealousy—but I handle it. I know, logically, that Ark loves me, and that
as long as I do everything I can to keep the relationship happy and
healthy, he won't be going anywhere.
Just the same, if he decides we are too incompatible, there's nothing I can do about that.
Just
the same, if he find someone who wants to be monogamous with him, and
that's what he really wants, I can't do anything about that, either.
But
right now, I have Ark. And Ark has me. Being polyamorous is natural to
me. I am happy and comfortable loving more than one person, and being
sexually active with more than one person, and exploring other types of
relationships with other people. I like the “big happy family” feeling
it gives me, and I like to love, and I like to be loved. Who doesn't?
Monogamy is natural for other people, and that's okay.
I can't go back. I know that now.
It
isn't in me to demand that one person be everything that I need. I
don't feel that it's right to expect someone to change with my every
whim (and trust me, I have a lot of whims).
Moving
on to Raja, and her trust issues. Like I said, they're a little bit
different. She's been stepped on in the past and, understandably, is a
little unstable. So I am being that stable thing in her life (or at
least, I am trying to be, very hard). I feel like she deserves happiness
and love and I give her my all.
The
two of us think very differently. She is thinking of tomorrow, and I'm
thinking about today. Yes, that means I'm the kind of person to wait
until the very last moment to do things, but generally (ok, sometimes)
they get done on time (or close to it). I think my outlook on life this
way has always been, on some level, a part of me. As a child, I never
imagined growing up. I never thought about what I wanted to be when I
grew up. I never planned for college. I didn't even think about taking
my SAT's. I always thought about what I had to do “right now” and what I
wanted to do “right now.”
It's an “eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die” kind of life.
The
finality of life has always been so very clear to me. So I live every
day like I may not live to see tomorrow. At least, subconsciously. (I'm
not going to go out and do anything crazy, because just as I might not
see tomorrow, I also very well may.)
The
way Raja thinks is more along the lines of, “I want to grow old with
you,” while at the same time, I'm thinking, “I want to fuck like rabbits
'till we can't move anymore.”
Not that I'm not romantic. I am!
Sex
is an expression of my love. (This is another thing we sometimes clash
on; she doesn't want the relationship to be about sex, and it isn't, but
sex is love, and I crave it.)
So,
she is always worrying about the future. (Even if the future she's
worrying about is the next day.) I don't think that way—I need to
embrace what I have at that very instant. It might fizzle away, then I
won't have it anymore, so I'm going to enjoy it! I'm going to take
advantage of it! I'm going to give it all I got and take all it gives!
Raja's
fears and her way of thinking sometimes combine, and create this
catastrophic train of thought, which usually crashes when she voices her
feelings without processing them. Usually, she does so in an accusatory
or passive-aggressive manner, which automatically throws up my defenses
and makes me feel like arguing. I am usually pretty good about not
fighting, because I know fighting her when she's acting that way won't
do any good. I really think about it like she's a cornered cat,
threatened, who will lash out at anyone—even if it's the human that
feeds them, brushes them, and gives them belly rubs. Even if they aren't
really cornered or threatened—it's just a perceived threat.
Leading into the next topic, Raja and I had been discussing protocol for an official D/s relationship between us. I had expressed the want to be a sub;
particularly, the sub to her, some time ago. We kind of went back and
forth for a long time, neither of us really taking the position, but one
night I texted her and asked, “How would you feel if I told you I want
to seriously start looking for someone to be my dominant?”
She
assumed I didn't want her to do it then. This happens often—I say
something, and she takes it the wrong way, and is offended and hurt and
takes it out on me, without even giving me a chance to explain. It's
tiring and trying on my patience, but I explained. I said, “I really
want to be serious about it. And I was going to ask you.”
So,
over the next few weeks, we were discussing protocol; simple rules,
mostly because any time I'd ask her what she wanted, she'd defer to me.
I've told her that she is too passive; she needs to be firm and
passionate and selfish (to be a good dominant, anyway). I said, “You
need to take what you want. And if I fight you, make me give it to you,
anyway.”
We never got much farther than what she wanted me to call her (“Sir,” of course)
before the cracks in her trust became big enough for me to keep
stumbling into. We had a talk about it—she still denies that she
mistrusts me—and we both agreed that, as we were, a D/s relationship
wouldn't work. We both have growing to do (me as a sub/bottom, her as a
dom/top). And she needs to trust me, and believe me when I say I love
her, and I want to take care of her, and that I'm not abandoning her or
dropping her or leaving her behind.
This
is also a key note in polyamory, I feel: to know that, even though your
partner is seeing other people, they are still in love with you and
they still want to be with you. I have said it before, and I'll say it
again: I have no intentions of leaving either of my current partners.
Even if I find others and love them intensely; even if I meet someone
and it's nothing more than hot, amazing sex. Both of them offer
something to me that no one else could ever offer: themselves. I love
them as whole people. Their presence in my life has made me richer, it
has made me a better person, it has made me happier and healthier.
"Close Your Eyes & Trust In Me"
"Close Your Eyes & Trust In Me"
The
stress comes when one of them tries to contain me, because they're
afraid I'm going to like someone or something “better” than what they
can offer me.
(That isn't the point, imo.)
Talking with Ark about Kiba
was difficult to begin, even though nothing had really started between
us, besides casual flirting through text messages. Kiba talked to his
girlfriend, who he'd been with for several years, and initially she said
she was fine with him having sex with other people, but she wasn't sure
about an emotional connection. This kind of goes along with what I told
Ark in the beginning. I said I found it interesting that what he was
most worried about and most squicked about was the idea of me having sex
with someone else (particularly another man). If I had to choose what I
would be more worried about, it would be everything else besides the
sex. People can have casual sex anytime. It's the connection, the...
well, the other stuff. It's more personal, more romantic, more intimate
than sex, to me.
At
first, I didn't tell him who Kiba was. Since Kiba and I went to school
together, and we've been close friends ever since (he was one of my
bridesmen at our wedding), Ark knew him fairly well. In fact, his name
came up several times, when Ark would list my close male friends, citing
the type of relationships I have with them (very close and
affectionate, but platonic). I didn't want the relationship between the
two of them to become awkward. About halfway through our discussion, Ark
asked, “So who is it?” and I said, “I'm not telling.” He said, “Why
not?” “In case you reacted badly—which you are.”
I
don't want the same thing to happen between Ark and Kiba, like what
happened to the relationship between him and Raja. I still want Kiba to
be able to visit us and feel comfortable, and I want Ark to feel
comfortable when he does. Actually, I want a lot more than that. I would
love it if Kiba could be a third in both of my relationships on some
level. While I know Ark will never want a sexual relationship with
another guy, there are other possibilities (specifically, a D/s
relationship). Kiba has already expressed an urge to be submissive not
only to me, but also to Ark, and this is promising. I think. I hope.
Anyway, back to what I was saying earlier, about Ark reacting “badly” to the news about me and Kiba.
At
first, he said, just “no.” Straight-up, no relationship, no kissing, no
sex, nothing. I (naturally) wanted to talk about it. He was stubborn at
first, and I may or may not have said some things in regards to the
unfairness of it all, and I know that's not very fair of me, either. I
do feel, sometimes, like he's getting all the good things about poly and
he isn't taking advantage of them, while at the same time, he's choking
my ability to appreciate being poly. I feel like I have to tiptoe
around, and (like I said earlier) I'm also afraid to want things. I'm afraid to love other people. I'm afraid to want to have new experiences.
I
don't like to feel confined by these kinds of rules, these self-imposed
chains, where I am constricted and restricted by my own fear of hurting
the person I love by doing things like having dinner with a male
friend, or kissing a cute boy, or watching some people have sex (but not
interacting). I can't control what goes on in Ark's head.
So
I'm the good poly wife. I am supportive of his relationships. I revel
in his NRE, I feel compersion like I never imagined I'd feel it. I want
him to be happy and it makes me so so happy when he is. He is so.
Freakin'. Adorable when he's in the throes of NRE. Okay, he's adorable
other times too. Most of the time, when he's happy, he's adorable.
But,
I didn't get to feel my NRE untainted by the sudden, hard hit of doubts
and fears and anger and blame that came from Ark. It was like being
kneed in the stomach while making soft, passionate love. And to this
day, my relationship with Raja is in many ways still tainted with that
fear, at least from me, of Ark freaking out again. (See also: False Sense of Security.)
As
we spoke about Kiba, and the possibility of me having a relationship
with another man, Ark began to relax. I tried to ask “why” in a calm and
gentle manner. I didn't want him to feel like I was attacking him or
his feelings. I want to understand why he feels the way he does, and he
has told me that he sometimes just doesn't know why he feels
uncomfortable.
This
is a stand-still. We always come up to this wall. “I want to do this.
What do you think?” “I'm not really comfortable with that. I don't want
you to do it.” “Why?” “I just don't.”
It feels like being a little kid and getting the famous “'Cause I said so.”
Frustrating.
I try to be patient. I really do! It isn't easy.
But,
as I was saying, while we were talking, he started to relax. He changed
his original response from “no” to “I need some time to think about
it.” Progress? Maybe.
Kiba's waiting for a clear response still. I'm not pushing Ark about it.
Since
I was no longer pursuing a D/s relationship with Raja, I made a few
token moves on Fetlife to show that I was interested, and seeking a
Dominant. The very same night, I was contacted by someone Ark and I had
met a couple times fairly recently (during our power outage). Actually,
I'd been in contact on Fet with his wife for a while before that, and I
thought she was pretty awesome (and dang cute in person too). It takes
time for me to warm up to people when I first meet them, and I feel like
the Internet and texting has really made it easier for me to be social.
Anyway, so this person contacted me and asked if I'd consider him.
Later today, Ark and I are going up to their place to sit down, all four of us, and negotiate terms for a “contract.”
I
feel some sort of victory with this step. At first, Ark was unsure
about me looking outside of my current relationships for a dominant
partner. Actually, I should say, he was a little offended that I didn't
want him to be my dominant. I had expressed the want for this, but it
was a long time ago, and I have since come to the conclusion that even
if he was more dominant in nature, he'd still be My Puppydog. I just
can't be submissive to him. Even if I pretend to be, for a little while,
eventually I'm the Boss again and he's my guard dog. It's the Natural
Order of Things In My House.
So,
as I was talking to Sir (the man who approached me about being the big D
to my little s), I was also talking with and relaying information to
Ark. He seemed okay with it being this man. The Question, of course, was
“what can I not do?”
We
were talking. We were Redefining Sexual Contact. What is sexual contact
to me? I think I said before, sex is “anytime one or more person is
trying to bring one or more people to orgasm.” In the confines of my D/s
relationship with Sir, and to keep up with my evolving and fluxuating
sexuality and curiousity, it has changed somewhat. Or, well, “sex” has
not changed—I still feel that my definition of sex is a good one. But
rather, what I am comfortable with is changing, because I'm starting to
come out of my shell and the things I've been passive and objective
about, I am starting to want to experience personally.
That's
probably something Ark is afraid of, come to think of it. He sees me
starting off as just curious and reading about something, next thing he
knows, I wanna do it, and once I do it, I love it & want more of it
(or it's never heard of again, which usually means I hated it).
So, to my surprise, Ark sat up and said, “I need to start trusting you more. I'm going to let you make the best judgment.”
Oh. Really?
Yes,
really. He said this doesn't only apply to my D/s experience, but to
everything else, too. I'm still not going to just jump into a
relationship with someone and do whatever I want, all willy-nilly (hehe,
willy-nilly). I told him that I know he isn't comfortable enough for me
to have sex with other guys, and it's enough to keep me from doing it,
regardless of how badly I may want to at any given point in time. I need
him to understand that other men, and other people in general, are not a
threat to him or to his position in my life. Only time can prove that
to him.
But
still, when we go tonight, I am not going to be making all the
decisions alone. I want to know his input and I want him to be happy
with the agreements made between Sir and myself.
So,
what's going on? A lot. I'll try and be a good kitten and keep y'all
updated on things as they happen, instead of procrastinating, then
bombing you with these really long and epic posts. And... uh... feel
free to comment once in a while! It's nice to know I'm not talking to an
empty room.
10/11/11
"Protected"
10/11/11
"Protected"
Two months. I hadn't realized it'd been that long, and I apologize. I've been a busy, busy kitty.
I
wrote a (four-page-long) entry to post about a spot of real trouble
that we came into. At first, I was hesitant to write it, because it was
very personal and involved other people and I wasn't sure I wanted to
throw it all out there in great detail. Then, I told myself, “Look: you
are blogging about being poly so that other people can read it and hear
about how you got through your problems. They will want to hear about
this! It may help someone, someday!”
So,
I wrote it. It was lengthy and detailed and it dredged up all the
negativity I had felt when the problem arose. I had to walk away from
it; I closed my netbook, and I didn't open it again for two weeks. When I
re-read the file, I knew I couldn't finish it and that it would never
see the Internet.
I'm
sorry again, readers. I feel like this is some kind of failing on my
part, but I really cannot put these feelings into words. Trying to write
about it has proven to me that I'm still healing, still a little hurt
and confused on the inside, and I'm just not ready.
The
short version is that Ark broke a rule. It was an important rule that
was there for everyone's safety and my sanity, but in the heat of the
moment, he broke the rule. I felt betrayed, broken—and I was pissed off.
I took the time to cool off and think about it and rationalize it and
I've done the best I could about it. I hugged Ark when I saw him for the
first time after getting the news, and we sat down and talked about it
quietly and civilly. We smoothed things out. We're okay.
But
things are undeniably different. I still love him and I have no
intention of letting this lie between us forever. Right now, we're in a
lull. We haven't had sex since the event and, while I want to make love,
I feel like it should be something he earns.
So I gave him a project.
Ark
cannot put his penis in me (read: in my mouth, vag, hands—anywhere)
until he gets me off in some other way. This is apparently a daunting
task for him as he's only tried once since I put it before him. He
really doesn't know what to do. We've been together for like six years
(forgive me—I am absolutely terrible with dates and anniversaries, which
is why we were married on New Year's Eve) and he has yet to bring me to
orgasm in any method besides intercourse—and even then, always in the
same position.
So, I'd like some variety—I'd like to teach my dog new tricks. I just wish... yanno... he'd try sometime.
But,
between you & me, I really miss sex. Like, sex with a man. I guess I
miss sex in general. The past couple of weeks, it's thin on the ground
and thin in the air, and I don't get anything but solo play. Not that I
don't enjoy masturbation. But, OH! Something terrible happened, y'all. I
over-boiled my toy. I put it in the pot to boil and... I forgot about
it. It no longer works. I feel like such a dumbass. I LOVED THAT TOY. It
was cute and sexy and it was quiet and it looks great on my shelf and
the vibe is smooth and perfect. Perfect. Ugh.
I miss it, too.
But,
back to the sex. Something positive that came out of the problem with
Ark (no pun intended) is that he discovered that he is no longer
bothered by the idea of me being sexually or emotionally involved with
other men (or women). He's been opening up more—he enjoys going to drag
shows, and I'm even teaching him proper labels (like, he was calling
every butch a “drag king”). I'm proud of him in this respect. So, we are
still growing... I hope we're growing together. We hit a hard bump in
the road but we're recovering. Maybe soon I'll be ready to talk about it.
Until then, there's stuff with Sir to talk about, and maybe even a little bit with Kiba, too.
And there was an incident with a plaid shirt I'd like to cover, too.
11/11/11
"Dizzy"
11/11/11
"Dizzy"
So, Kiba came to see me this week.
This had been a long time in planning; of course, he is my friend (We've
known each other for almost ten years, believe that? Makes me feel
old.) and could visit at any time, but after our mutual confessions, of
course everything's changed. Ark had, at first, denied any allowance of a
relationship between Kiba and I. We had resolved to wait, and be
patient, and just be close friends as we always had been, until he was
more comfortable. The change came quickly and, in many ways to me, it
was too good to be true and I was suspicious of Ark's intentions.
As
alluded to in my previous entry, Ark changed his mind about me being
with other men after he'd been with another woman. To me, his saying I
can be with other men is a way for him to further justify his
relationship with Anita—a relationship of which I am completely
supportive—and maybe, in his mind, a way to placate me after his big
mistake. I personally don't want him to give me the go-ahead because he
feels guilty or for some other reason besides the fact that he is
comfortable with the idea and would be happy to see me happy.
This
week was kind of a test, for Ark and I. Kiba was only here for four
days, and I didn't get a lot of time alone with him (just a couple of
hours). I was super nervous, not really sure how we'd feel or act while
together. My love is all-or-nothing, and I'd loved Kiba for years and
years, without expressing it. Would it be like a flood gate, opened and
my emotions and passion rushing through like so much water? Or would I
be calm, controlled, like a river, wild only during the storm?
Ah.
Well, I say I was somewhere in between. The storm was brewing inside me
constantly, but I did my best to reign it in. If I'd had more than just
the few hours alone with him, I'd have probably run through the bases,
exhausting us on the living room floor. As it was, we did get to play a
little bit; kissing, touching. I won't go into detail, but I will say we
each made our own messes. I was starved. I had thought that I didn't
really miss sex with a man; I was wrong. I wanted it. I wanted him so
bad it almost hurt. I had to remind myself to breathe, to take it slow.
While we didn't have sex in the traditional sense, there are many ways
of making love. He didn't fill me, but I felt fulfilled... in a sense.
I'm still starved.
The
power of my hunger surprised me. It was literally dizzying. I didn't
know how hungry I was—I forgot how much I was holding back, until there
it was, stuck inside me and fighting the chains.
The
last night Kiba was here, Ark started to exhibit signs of regression. I
don't know if it was related to Kiba, but I suspect it was. For the
first time, in front of Ark, I was snuggled up to Kiba and giving him
little kisses and hugs. I'd been afraid to do so before, because well,
you know, Ark has a bad history of being an asshole when he sees me
being poly. I guess in theory to him it's okay, but not in practice. At
first, I was sympathetic; it'd been a long day, and maybe he was feeling
sore because of the rain. But the more I thought about it, the more
angry I began to feel about the whole thing. It isn't like me to feel
resentful, but I'd thought we worked through all this. Kiba is even a friend
of Ark's, and he was in our wedding. It isn't like we were making out
in front of him or anything. We wer
e just sitting next to each other, I was playing a video game, and Kiba would give me kisses on the side of my head once in a while.
Besides,
it was nice to be around someone who so clearly wanted me as badly as I
wanted him. A nice change from sitting around, waiting for Ark.
11/16/11
"Every Little Thing"
I wrote Ark a letter, and some talk was had on the subject. I've been getting a lot of feedback in person, on Twitter, and even a little on my blog about what I should do about my little problem. I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to respond, I really, really appreciate it, and though I didn't take your advice, I did take it into account.
e just sitting next to each other, I was playing a video game, and Kiba would give me kisses on the side of my head once in a while.
I
don't squeak even the tiniest little protest, passive or active, at any
signs of affection Ark lavishes on Anita when she's here. I'm just
happy to see him happy. So, while I do feel a little guilty for feeling
resentful, I also kind of feel justified.
11/16/11
"Every Little Thing"
I wrote Ark a letter, and some talk was had on the subject. I've been getting a lot of feedback in person, on Twitter, and even a little on my blog about what I should do about my little problem. I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to respond, I really, really appreciate it, and though I didn't take your advice, I did take it into account.
In
particular, it was suggested by the majority of commenters that I just
let it go and have sex with Ark to reconcile. I couldn't, and can't, do
this. Why? you might ask. Because, while it may be the fastest
and easiest way to get things back to normal, it would defeat the
purpose of my setting this task before him in the first place. It's
important to me that Ark learn how to please me, and I want him to take
the initiative himself—but it was also a punishment. If I broke the
agreement and gave in, it would be saying that if Ark did something to
hurt the relationship, and I gave him something to do to redeem himself
but it was something he didn't feel like doing, he could just ignore it
and eventually I'd get tired of waiting and just give up and let him do
what he wants. That's not gonna happen—that isn't how I work and that
isn't how lessons are learned.
It
was also suggested that I just force him to do it (bondage was implied,
as was making ultimatums). Sure, Ark is my
in-training/under-consideration submissive/pet, but we aren't a working
M/s couple and we don't have protocol or rules where I can just make him
do something. Again, it would also be defeating the purpose of the
task. Ark hurt me and hurt the relationship, and I wanted him to make it
better. Telling him, “You need to do this, or I'm leaving you,” was not
the way to go. And as tempting as it sounds, tying him down and sitting
on his face wasn't the answer, either.
So,
how did I handle it? I wrote him a letter. It started off pretty
erotic—I told him what I wanted him to do, in that fancy way that I do
it, but the romance ebbed away and exposed my pain. I told him how I
felt, and I said that I didn't really know how to get back... and I
wanted him to help me.
Then
we talked, and while we still haven't had sex, I feel better about the
topic. I'm going to help him and he's going to help me, and everything's
going to be okay. No, really! It is. Neither of us are ready to give
up, we just got a little lost along the way.
12/21/11
"Blue Christmas"
12/21/11
"Blue Christmas"
<takes a deep breath>
So, I'm going to make an appointment
with a doctor soon. I looked up some doctors close to where I live,
so in case I can't get a ride, I can still walk or ride my bike
there. I both really want to go, because I know it's the first step
in getting better, and I don't want to go, because I hate meeting new
people and hate sharing personal info with strangers and I hate going
to the doctor and
social
anxiety.
But it's necessary and I know I need to
do it. I want to get better. I actually feel better after just
admitting to myself that I have a problem and deciding I need to find
a doctor. I'm worried about going, worried that they'll say there
isn't anything wrong with me and I'll just have to deal with it on my
own. The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing how long I've
felt this way (I remember being suicidal at 12) and how I
self-adjusted to make living in society easier. I'm wondering now if
my admitting that I might have a disorder finally is just a part of
this evolution I've been going through, of wanting to be more true to
myself and more true to the people in my life. I'm really tired of
pretending I'm all right all the time when I'm not. So I need to
change, and I can't do it alone. I am not too proud to admit when I
need help.
In other, happier news, I went Yule
shopping yesterday. I wanted to get a nice outfit for Raja (whose
name might be going back to Kitten soon, please wait for
confirmation). So I went around & did manage to pick up a nice
pair of jeans and a button-up shirt. Then, I was thinking, I
really need to get her a sweater vest because HOMG butches in sweater
vests. Let me tell you. It is
really hard to find
sweater vests for people Raja's size. She is small! I wanted to get
just a black one, with no design (I love argyle but I think she
doesn't), in small (or extra small, sweater vests appear to run big).
NO FREAKIN DICE. If I had time to shop online, and if I wasn't only
paying in cash, I probably could have got her an entire awesome
outfit.
Sigh.
I
bought Ark's Yule gift last month, and gave them to him straight
away. He needed them badly and I wasn't going to make him wait until
the holiday, as I'm pretty sure it would have been considered cruel
and unusual punishment. They were shoes—special shoes and special
insoles for his feet. Though while I was at the mall yesterday, I saw
this awesomely soft blanket and, remembering that he needed a
replacement (our cat that passed away in summer, Cassia, was buried
with his old blanket), I bought it for him.
So, is
anyone listening? My blog has been pretty personal and drab and
boring lately. I'd apologize, but this is my blog, and I can only
write about my experience. What do you celebrate this holiday season?
Anything memorable happening? If you're poly, how do you celebrate
with your lovers?
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