Poly Dating

In my local community, Fetlife is a widely used social network. There are only a few people I talk to and consider friends who don't have a Fet account (and they're people I've known for years; they knew me when I was more vanilla), but don't think I won't talk them into getting one sooner or later. I distinctly remember coming across Fetlife for the first time. My reaction was something like, OH MY GOD, DOES THIS REALLY EXIST?! Yes, it does. It's Facebook, for kinky people. And poly people. And swingers and queers and supportive vanillas.

Fetlife seems to have a bad rap with some people, and that's okay. I know forum networks aren't for everybody (and gods know I hardly pay attention to it, most of the time) and as usual, there are assholes on the Internet. But for meeting people and attending informative events and exciting parties, Fet is where it's at (at least, for Richmond, Virginia).

Just in my area, there's a Pet & Animal Play group (“humanimals” as I've seen them called; this is not bestiality), Ageplay group (“littles,” “bigs,” “daddies,” etc), Polyamory groups, Gangbang groups, Personals, two separate BDSM groups (I'm a member of SHELTER, which is a more information-based, learning group), a Kinky Gamers group (I run that!), Kinky Book Club, Queer Kinksters, Artistic Kinksters, a group for pagan and the occult, educational groups, etc. I could go on and on. Basically anything you could want, there's a group, or you can make one yourself! It's a great way to meet like-minded individuals, especially if you're a touch antisocial, like me.

Right now, the Greater Richmond Polyamory group is really coming in handy. My husband's relationship with his sometimes-girlfriend Anita has never really come to fruition and though neither of us speak of it, I feel we both agree that there isn't really anything there. But for Ark, its been a trial to find people willing to date a married man, whether or not his wife is okay with it. In the past year, our sex life has diminished. Those of you who read my much earlier posts know that this was a difficult thing for us in the past, but we've grown over it now and it isn't a stress point anymore. I've learned things about myself that made me realize why I was coming to the same issues over and over (namely, I'm a lesbian), and we even discussed our bed death. It turns out we were both more worried that the other person was stressing more over not having sex than we were, so we agreed it was no longer an issue.

That doesn't mean I don't recognize that he wants, and needs, that kind of companionship and relationship with somebody. Since Ark is straight, this means he needs a girlfriend.

So there's a big poly mixer coming up, where several poly groups in the DC/MD/VA area will be getting together. I'm really hoping this is a good opportunity for Ark to meet someone closer who is more interested in him than his on-again-off-again girl. To be honest, we haven't been active in any poly group or community until about two weeks ago, and I'm really excited to meet other people who are non-monogamous. All of my partners thus far have been monogamous with me, and tolerant of my polyamorous ways. I went on one date with a guy who is non-monog but at this point, it hasn't gone much farther than that. I remember talking to him about monogamy and different kinds of relationships, and how relaxed it made me feel to know that, if we were to be in a relationship, I wouldn't be “the one,” but I would be “an important one,” which is how I want to feel.

This blog article requires some reader interaction. Are you a poly man (or of some sort of non-monogamous status) who is married or in a long-term committed relationship with a woman? Do you find it difficult to find women to date? Do you use any dating or social networks (OkCupid, Fetlife?) to find other poly groups to connect with, or to find dates? Do you think it's harder to find a date as a poly man, than if you were swinging with your wife or s/o (long term vs short term)?

Warm Soup

I told myself I could go to Panera Bread and eat a delicious, delicious bread bowl filled with broccoli cheese soup, only if I brought my netbook and wrote a blog article. It worked brilliantly last time, so here I am again, fingering my keyboard and making words appear on the screen. It's hard to write a blog article when there isn't any real drama going on in my life. I originally started this blog to help other people who were starting in poly relationships. It evolved as I evolved, incorporating kink, gender and sexuality articles, and a spattering here and there of erotica, as I rediscovered my writing legs after being without a computer for over a year.

It ended up being more like a personal journal, in which I was detailing the trials and tribulations of starting a poly relationship in which one of the original couple was monogamous and had no desire to be otherwise. Ark agreed to let me see Gabriel because he knew I wouldn't be happy in a monogamous relationship. Looking back on this now, I wonder if my discomfort in a monogamous marriage with him was not because I'm inherently poly, but because I'm gay? Of course, this realization wouldn't come to me until almost two years later. And it would terrify me, shake my world up, make me go back and go back and go back and look at all the things that happened before. And rethink my every decision. Is that why I did this? Is that why I don't like this?

It all made sense, and clicked together, and I've settled. “I am what I am afraid of, so what am I afraid of?”

I shut down at the end of the year, so the last few 2011 months and the first few months of 2012 are empty. I've picked myself up again, and I feel a similar sensation of rebirth, which I felt several years ago as I came to grips with the death of my mother. (Or at least got a better handle on it.) I introduce myself to people as Blue—this is, to me, my coming out. I am Blue and this is me and who I am, and damn you if you don't like it.

My relationship with Gabriel has changed drastically. I did have that talk with her, and we seem to be okay, but I haven't seen her in person since. I'm starting to miss her, though; starting to miss the little things, and starting to miss the sexy things. I'd feel terrible if I went to see her, and we spent the whole time in bed reenacting all the wild ways we've fucked, and making up new ones. Well, maybe I wouldn't feel too terrible, but I feel like we need to reconnect on more than just a physical level. I do miss the next-day soreness, the late-night personal inspection of scratches and bruises, being able to count the teeth in the marks on my hips, my thighs, my shoulders. But I also miss, sometimes, her utter randomness, the eccentricity of her thought pattern; I miss watching her play with her cats, miss listening to her talk about totally irrelevant things and considering stopping her lips from moving my smothering them with mine. I do not miss the way she takes all of my attention (except during sex, which is when I am willing to give all of my attention), makes it impossible for me to concentrate on anything else; how, when I am discomfited, it's not important, but if she is in any sort of discomfort--needing to use the restroom, or a headache--it's gotta be the center of our attention, regardless of what we were doing previously. She is a projector to a serious degree—when she's unhappy, everyone around her will know.

Gabriel is very intense, and this intensity is both why I love her, and why I need to stay away from her for extended periods of time. When it's good, it's great. When she's smothering, it's terrible and I can't handle it. I need to be around people who need alone time, or even passive companionship, in order to remain content. This is why Ark and I work so well together (I believe I've said that before). I've made friends who fulfill this need—I can easily go to their house to visit them, and we spend the whole time watching TV or both of us doing separate things. We don't even need to talk to each other! Just that we are each there, nearby, suits our needs for socialization.

Speaking of friends fulfilling needs, my almost-relationship with Dawn seems to be going smoothly. What I write on this blog is revealing, often even to myself, and especially since I know Dawn will probably read this, I'm self-conscious about what to say about her. I'm going to do my best to be objective here; a particular challenge, since I know I'm probably still up to my elbows in NRE. Or, well, it could just be the excitement of learning another woman's body, of getting to explore her mind and gaining her trust. There is something inherently different about falling for her, and maybe I say this because Gabriel is so different from anyone else, that my love for her really is a different creature, a more passive creature. Dawn is the first woman I'm loving who is (or may be) loving me back, who is closer to... well, closer to normal? I can't talk about it here. Gabriel's past was horrific and it's her story to tell, but it has affected how she is immensely. She is not easy to be with, not easy to love, and for me, not easy to spend great amounts of time with. I tried, at first, but it was exhausting both physically and mentally. I've pulled back, and I feel great.

But I digress—back to Dawn.

Its hard to write about her without a cheesy grin over my face. I'm sitting in Panera still, so I'm pretty sure people are watching, wondering. How can I tell them how hard I'm falling? I think I've scraped my knees and there's bruises on my palms. I'm not obsessed—not anymore, anyway—the hard, fast puppy love stage for me is passed, and I'm moving into the warm, fuzzy, comfortable stage. I still crave her, still miss her, still want to feel her near me, hear her voice, make her laugh, but for me, these are constant things, not a part of NRE. When I felt the powerful Fuzzy Pink Stupids receding, at first, I panicked a little. The rule is to never make an important decision while under the influence of NRE. Did I make an important decision? Will I regret this? Will she? Suddenly I was doubtful of the whole thing. Did we move too fast?

Let me tell you something, casual readers: I do not regret. She doesn't regret (but may still be under the influence). I'm not doubtful, not of my feelings anyway, and while we may have moved fast, I feel that maybe it was exactly the right speed for us. I shouldn't worry and I shouldn't dwell on it. I am so in love with this girl, and the only one who can fuck it up is me. So I'm not gonna.

Best thing ever? I know I can have passive companionship with Dawn. Cause we've had it before. Because she's a friend first, and Ark's friend, and I'm happy to just be near her the way I'm just happy to be near him. She is not demanding. I know I can love her my way and she will be okay with that. I know I can be, just be, and she can just be, and we will be happy. And I am patient and happy to wait for her, to give me what she can give, and I'll be happy with whatever it is.

I wrote, a long time ago, about a happy poly moment; snuggling on the couch between lovers, under the blanket, watching a movie. I didn't have that moment for long after writing about it; things quickly crumbled, and we floundered for a long time. But I have it again. And I've had it often, and it seems to be here to stay. I want it to be easy to love in front of Ark, and I doubted I'd ever get back to that point. If things keep progressing the way they are, hopefully I won't ever have to stress about it again.

Now, there are too many people in Panera and I'm having trouble formulating coherent thoughts, so I'm gonna stop here. See you next time I eat a bread bowl.

Changes

Well, hello there, blog.

It's been a while, and that's my own damn fault, I know.

I needed some time to myself, and some time away from processing publicly. But, I'm back! Kinda! I can't promise I'll stay. But I can promise I'll try, and that's all you get.

I'm back and writing largely because a lot has changed. I'm not actively processing, because I tend to overthink and that may or may not make things worse. But as time goes on, I'm having little mini revelations, and not all of them are good.

I feel like, over the past year or so, I've grown and changed a lot. I'm stretching into my personality—Blue--getting more comfortable and accepting of the things that make me who I am. I've demanded that in no uncertain terms people either must accept me as I am, or not. I'm tired of hiding. It takes its toll on you, when you hold up a different mask for everybody. So I got rid of the masks. Most of them. I kept a few, and I'm sure we'll talk about that at some point, because it has to do with my depression.

What kind of things have changed? I'll try and explain.

1. I've had to accept things about myself.

In my life, things have happened to me, and I thought they were no big deal and I thought they didn't matter and I thought I didn't need to think about them ever again. But the truth is, a lot of things do affect me, and I need to face them and accept that they happened and they are a part of me. They are the reasons why I fear certain sex acts, the reasons why I feel like I have to give up what I want, the reasons why I am almost completely apathetic when someone is talking about their mother. I have triggers and I'm learning to notice them, to realize what sets me off, what pulls me down, and I'm learning to accept that it matters, and that even if someone else tells me it's silly and I should get over it, it still matters and their opinion of my thoughts, emotions and mental stability is irrelevant.

There were bigger, more important things I've had to accept, that other people have had to deal with as well. When Ark and I decided to be polyamorous, it was very difficult at first, but we worked through it and we're a stronger couple now than I could have ever hoped for. It was important for us to hit all this rocky ground and battle against the odds, because as I mentioned in my previous (very old) blog entry, I've more or less come out as lesbian. I learned that this is not always the end of a heterosexual marriage and I'm very, very glad it was not the end of ours. I love, want and need Ark in my life, and the ways we are growing are important to me. The new-old ways we're affectionate are more special to me than sex. Recently, I've been more “out” about my sexuality, though there are still certain family members who don't know, I'm sure a lot of them do. Maybe they don't understand my open hetero marriage and maybe they don't want to. That's okay. They're my family and I want to keep them, but like I said before, I can't keep myself in a little box and never come out.

2. I've needed more time to myself, which actually means...

I needed time away from Gabriel. The intensity of our early relationship is too much for me to handle long-term, and I am having a lot of trouble accepting that. Gabriel is a very intense person, and I can't ask her to change, but as it is, I often feel suffocated under her love for me. I want her to be happy, and I love her and, when I can handle it, I love being around her. When I can't handle it, I feel drained and grouchy. Words of commitment spook me; I have never been able to promise someone “forever.” I can't even begin to explain what a miracle it is that I married Ark. He is a truly amazing and unique person. That said, Gabriel regularly calls me her wife, and says she “married” me, etc, and this makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me want to escape, cut ties—I feel like I will never be able to give her what she wants and needs in a relationship. She needs monogamy. She needs someone who can give her all their time and all their love. I'm not prepared to give that—it isn't in my nature nor is it appealing to me in any way. I thought of a quote today that summed it up; “I may not be everything you could ever want or need, but I'll give you as much as I can.” What else can I give?

I'd really love for her to have friends outside of my social circle, and I'd love for her to find another girlfriend—someone who can be more full-time than me. She deserves that, she deserves happiness, but I cannot continue to give myself to her at sacrifice to my own sanity and well-being.

I've been taking time away—but it really looks like I'm drifting away, even to me. I don't want that. I still want to be a part of Gabriel's life, and I know she wants me to be (a bigger) part of hers. But can she handle only seeing me once a week, maybe once every other week, maybe once a month? Is it even fair to ask that? It may be what I need.

I feel like there's a lot of pressure when I'm in a relationship with someone who's monogamous. I go back and forth between saying I don't have a primary and I do—the truth is, I do have a primary, and that's Ark. My marriage and relationship to him are tantamount to any other relationships I may have. If a lover can't understand that and doesn't respect my marriage, I can't continue that relationship.

3. I've been taking time to myself.

This kinda goes with the previous statement, but it's different, and here's why. I've made friends, and it's wonderful. I finally feel like I'm surrounded with people I love again—my pack, my chosen family. The people I've met are amazing friends. They make me laugh and I so rarely feel alone anymore. I don't even know how to express that this is a huge big deal for me. It's so hard for me to make and maintain friendships (I've lived here for six years and only just recently made friends).

And old friendships are growing, in new and unexpected ways. A friend of Ark's from his old job, someone we usually saw once or twice a month, has turned into The Object of My Affection lately. I am totally addicted and feeling some heavy NRE with this girl. It's so funny, the way it happened, but well, maybe I'll explain that some other time. I don't want to wax puppylove over this girl and I know I will, if allowed. Which brings me to...

4. I've been dating.

Dating! Do you believe it? I don't. I've never been dating before. It's exciting and new and a little scary. I'm trying to get Ark to date, too (he needs a girlfriend who lives nearby). I had my first two dates (kinda) this week, and both were successful. I'm not going to tell you about them because they're private, and I don't have these peoples' permission to talk about them on my blog just yet.

5. Ark has been amazing.

AMAZING. You don't even know. I've had to lean on him a lot. The very, very bad bout of depression I had at the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012 had to be a trial. He's not reacted adversely to my affections on anyone else—granted, I am very careful not to be overtly affectionate to anyone else where he's watching me. Being around Ark and someone I like still makes me nervous, because he has reacted poorly in the past, but it's becoming clearer and clearer that maybe, just maybe, all of that is in the past, and I'm elated (when I'm not paranoid still).

I said it before but I'll say it again, my husband is awesome and he has grown in so many ways, changed in so many ways, becoming more accepting and curious and loving and happy. It makes me love him even more (is that possible?!).

So, all in all, some stuff has been happening and it's been great. Mostly. I work, I eat, I sleep, I see friends, I see lovers, I try to balance the world with my personal needs. So, I'm not dead yet! Still very much alive and kicking. Apparently, I just needed to go to Panera and sit down and decide to write a blog article.

My Carefully Scheduled Life

My week starts on Friday. I get up early for work, take a shower, don chef uniform, and go make breakfast for the masses. After a long day of cooking and prepping for the weekend, I clock out and usually I'll go be with Gabriel for a couple hours until Ark gets off work. I'm always hopeful we'll have sex—especially lately, especially with her new toy, which I suspect she enjoys just as much as I do, if not more. But if we don't, that's okay too. It's just nice to get a Gabriel refresher before the long weekend, my work-week, during which I don't usually see her.

On Saturday, I wake up and go to work and work my butt off again. Ark gets off a couple hours earlier on Saturdays, so I'll head home and usually catch a nap before he gets home. Saturdays are Quiet Time At Home With Arkanum.

Sunday: wash, rinse & repeat. The place where Ark works is closed on Sunday and he has designated chores to do on this day. Sometimes I'll clean a bit when I get home, too. Lately, we've been watching Once Upon a Time on ABC—it's right up our alley, plus we really like Ginnifer Goodwin.

Monday's a bit different. If I didn't pack Sunday night before going to sleep, I pack a bag with a fresh set of clothes and the essentials—deodorant, allergy meds, etc. Monday night is my Night With Gabriel.

Tuesday, I try to sleep in as late as possible, which usually ends up being somewhere between 7 and 9 in the morning. Gabriel doesn't like to linger in bed in the morning very long. We go to a local café for breakfast, then sometimes I head home if I have things to do, or I'll spend the rest of the day with her. The evening is spent with Arkanum, watching Glee and New Girl and Raising Hope, and usually having pizza, but we really need to cut back on that delicious, delicious food.

Wednesday it's back to work. I never really know what I'm doing on Wednesday—I'm supposed to see Sir, but I haven't been seeing him regularly for months. As a safe bet, I just don't make plans, and I assume I have the afternoon to myself unless he tells me otherwise. If it's nice out, I'll ride my bike. Or I'll stay in, and take a nap, or read. Or maybe I'll visit a friend. I don't get a lot of time to myself, so the days where I do, I really treasure it.

Then, Thursday is Errand And Chore Day with Arkanum. We get paid, pay bills, and go shopping. Then we come home and are usually exhausted. Then, more TV shows, cuddling, and bed.

Friday, it starts over again.

Every week is the same—or close enough to where the difference doesn't really matter. I crave change. I need it. So, every once in a while, I say, “I'm taking the week off.” And I do what I want. Next week is such a week. It's My Week and I'll do What I Damn Well Feel Like Doing. Last time, I gutted the back part of my apartment and threw out/gave away tons of stuff. Maybe this time, it'll be the front half.

I particularly enjoy having all the extra time with my husband. While we live together, we don't really spend Quality Time together as often as we should or as often as we'd like to. So taking a week off means I'll be home a lot more, and can focus some extra energy on him. A week off also recharges me, and not seeing Gabriel for a week makes me really look forward to seeing her again on Monday. Sometimes I feel like everyone is in demand of my energy, and I never have any for myself—someone's feeling sad, or sick, or needy in some way and eventually I run out of resources and that's all I see them as—needy. And that's not a good way to see someone you love.

So a break—a vacation—from my poly schedule, is good for everyone.

Anxious

After a silly bout of social anxiety, and once my flimsy excuse for staying in was no longer valid, Ark and I went out to a local meet to see some friends. I won't lie about it, not to myself or anyone else: it is really hard for me to get out of the house to do anything. I will say, “I'm going to go out to this event,” or “I'm going to so-and-so's house to hang,” but at the last moment I'll have some excuse not to go. It isn't that I don't want to go, but for some reason, I panic. I don't like people. I may like these people, but I don't like people as a group. I often don't have the mental/emotional capacity to deal with them, and I get claustrophobic if there are a lot of people around. If I'm feeling particularly shy, I will hang around Ark and let him do the talking, choosing instead to observe and listen. Alternatively, if I'm feeling manic, I will chat up the nearest person, me with a shaky voice and twiddling fingers and bouncing legs.

Regardless of the social events, if I do too much at once, I will be drained for days and require recoup time. Pushing myself out the door takes energy, and being with people takes energy, and coming home and winding down takes energy. (Yes, I said winding down takes energy.) Sometimes, after an event, I'll come home feeling super charged with energy, and I won't be able to sit still.

I had been working on it, getting better at mastering my anxiety and managing to get out for events sometimes two or three times a week. But it's been getting harder. Actually, doing everything is getting harder.

I had to admit to myself that something is probably wrong with me on a chemical level after having a second anxiety attack at work. It's not something my coworkers need to see or be around, and I don't like feeling this way. When asked recently what was wrong, all I could come up with was, “I'm just sad. All the time.”

I wrote about being afraid of admitting that I have depression before. I'm still afraid of it, but I think I'm coming to grips with it. I need to see a doctor and I'm hoping that will help me make some sense of it all. I know now that this is more than just my normal winter blues, and I have to take action if I want to get through it.

Blogging helps. I know this isn't poly-related, but this is also kind of a personal blog, and nothing has been going on poly-wise worth talking about (I know! Happy poly! Who knew?!), so I thought I'd drop this update while I had the time and energy to put it out.

A lot of changes will be happening 2012. I can feel it.