Moving In, Moving On

In October, we were forced to leave our apartment and seek a different housing situation. This was a huge disruption to our life as it was (we expected to have until December, the natural 'end' of our lease) but fortunately, we were already looking for a new place to live... a place that would be big enough for Ark and I, plus Dawn.

I've spoken before of wanting to live in a poly household—and now, basically, that is what we have. I can float between bedrooms (I don't have my own room at this point). We share the expenses and chores of keeping a house. Our cats mingle (for the most part). And best of all, both of my full-time loves are in the same place as me. “Home” is the same place for all of us.

Moving in together was both kind of a big deal, and not. Dawn still has her own separate space, so if she wants to be alone, she can be. But at the same time, moving in with someone you've been dating for less than a year is risky, and even though I was thrilled to have her with me every day, I was worried that she would feel too crowded and decide it wasn't a good living situation for her. I was also worried that Ark, having to face my relationship with Dawn every day, and my sleeping in a different bed more often, would revert back to his angry, jealous self from the early days of our poly explorations.

Fortunately, it seems like we got all of the good with none of the bad. We all coexist here happily. It's—quite literally, for me—a dream come true.

The year ended with a few other surprises. I kind of “came out” to most of my family, primarily by friending them on Facebook and not hiding anything (kind of a pussy way to come out, but it was quiet and subtle, and I like that). Dawn came with Ark and I to visit my grandmother and to visit Ark's parents. I actually introduced her to my father-in-law, saying, “This is my girlfriend.” It may not sound like much, but for me, it took a lot of balls (figuratively speaking, of course). I'm lucky and blessed that none of this blew up in our faces!

I even brought Dawn to my cousin's wedding, as my date. I kissed her and held her hand and we danced, surrounded by my family, probably people who, before that point, weren't quite certain what exactly was going on. I'm not entirely sure all of them know what's going on at all, but they'll figure it out.

It seems, though, that the people who do know that Dawn and I are 'together' have accepted it and have accepted her as part of the family. This is an amazing relief on my part and a huge joy to Dawn. (Upon meeting my aunt for the first time, and sitting around listening to us all talk, Dawn exclaimed, “Your family are all geeks!”) I have always felt warm and safe cocooned in my family's presence, and I feared that these changes would push them away. I'm so glad that it hasn't.

It hasn't been all roses, of course. While Ark, Dawn and I are finally living in happiness, people on the outside of our relationship have their doubts. Though Ark says he and I are doing great and we're happy, there are some people who just won't believe him. Some have been my family members, and some have even expressed that they think my sexual orientation is just a phase that I'll outgrow. (Really, to me, it feels as though heterosexuality is something I've outgrown.) I'm going to keep smiling, going to keep doing what I'm doing though—my relationships are my responsibility and my business, and what other people think isn't important. I know Ark is happy because I make sure he's happy. Isn't that what love's all about?

this blog entry will also be submitted to Life on the Swingset

I apologize for the long delay in updates! In our move, apparently I damaged my netbook, so have been unable to write. I just got it back though, and so naturally one of the first things I wanted to do would be to tell you all the good news! :) 

Poly Dating

In my local community, Fetlife is a widely used social network. There are only a few people I talk to and consider friends who don't have a Fet account (and they're people I've known for years; they knew me when I was more vanilla), but don't think I won't talk them into getting one sooner or later. I distinctly remember coming across Fetlife for the first time. My reaction was something like, OH MY GOD, DOES THIS REALLY EXIST?! Yes, it does. It's Facebook, for kinky people. And poly people. And swingers and queers and supportive vanillas.

Fetlife seems to have a bad rap with some people, and that's okay. I know forum networks aren't for everybody (and gods know I hardly pay attention to it, most of the time) and as usual, there are assholes on the Internet. But for meeting people and attending informative events and exciting parties, Fet is where it's at (at least, for Richmond, Virginia).

Just in my area, there's a Pet & Animal Play group (“humanimals” as I've seen them called; this is not bestiality), Ageplay group (“littles,” “bigs,” “daddies,” etc), Polyamory groups, Gangbang groups, Personals, two separate BDSM groups (I'm a member of SHELTER, which is a more information-based, learning group), a Kinky Gamers group (I run that!), Kinky Book Club, Queer Kinksters, Artistic Kinksters, a group for pagan and the occult, educational groups, etc. I could go on and on. Basically anything you could want, there's a group, or you can make one yourself! It's a great way to meet like-minded individuals, especially if you're a touch antisocial, like me.

Right now, the Greater Richmond Polyamory group is really coming in handy. My husband's relationship with his sometimes-girlfriend Anita has never really come to fruition and though neither of us speak of it, I feel we both agree that there isn't really anything there. But for Ark, its been a trial to find people willing to date a married man, whether or not his wife is okay with it. In the past year, our sex life has diminished. Those of you who read my much earlier posts know that this was a difficult thing for us in the past, but we've grown over it now and it isn't a stress point anymore. I've learned things about myself that made me realize why I was coming to the same issues over and over (namely, I'm a lesbian), and we even discussed our bed death. It turns out we were both more worried that the other person was stressing more over not having sex than we were, so we agreed it was no longer an issue.

That doesn't mean I don't recognize that he wants, and needs, that kind of companionship and relationship with somebody. Since Ark is straight, this means he needs a girlfriend.

So there's a big poly mixer coming up, where several poly groups in the DC/MD/VA area will be getting together. I'm really hoping this is a good opportunity for Ark to meet someone closer who is more interested in him than his on-again-off-again girl. To be honest, we haven't been active in any poly group or community until about two weeks ago, and I'm really excited to meet other people who are non-monogamous. All of my partners thus far have been monogamous with me, and tolerant of my polyamorous ways. I went on one date with a guy who is non-monog but at this point, it hasn't gone much farther than that. I remember talking to him about monogamy and different kinds of relationships, and how relaxed it made me feel to know that, if we were to be in a relationship, I wouldn't be “the one,” but I would be “an important one,” which is how I want to feel.

This blog article requires some reader interaction. Are you a poly man (or of some sort of non-monogamous status) who is married or in a long-term committed relationship with a woman? Do you find it difficult to find women to date? Do you use any dating or social networks (OkCupid, Fetlife?) to find other poly groups to connect with, or to find dates? Do you think it's harder to find a date as a poly man, than if you were swinging with your wife or s/o (long term vs short term)?

Regress / Regret

I know I said I wouldn't blog about Gabriel anymore. Let this be the last one. I just have to get something off my chest—something happened; something strange and unsettling that I was really unprepared to handle.

I'm no old hat at breaking up. I know that relationships end, but I haven't had very many relationships, to be honest. When I was thirteen I dated a boy for two years before he broke up with me through e-mail. (We're still friends even now!) I then dated Andrew until I was eighteen, even getting engaged, but that relationship ended badly after an unplanned and naive attempt at non-monogamy. Though the end of that relationship was agreed-upon, it was very messy. I turned all of my loving energy into my remaining partner at that time: Ark.

Ark and I opened our relationship after being together for five years, shortly after being married. So Gabriel-then-Kitten was my partner for two years before I ended it.

I needed space from her. I've had little to no contact or correspondence with her short of seeing her while she shops where I work, or her text messages. The space between us has allowed me to soften toward her and instead of thinking about the ways she frustrated me, I can now remember more fondly the reasons why I love her and why I loved being with her. So, my general feelings toward her are more hospitable now, with the distance between us. I'm happy to hear from her now and then to know how she's doing and big changes in her life (she just started a new job), but I'm only flirting with the idea of asking her to meet for ice cream or something small like that. I'm not sure I can handle it yet.

Well, I've written about this before, and though I'm hesitant to write about it again after so much time, but it came up and I couldn't shake it. Recently, Gabriel sent me a text that said, in her own way, that she was glad she knew how to get herself off. I didn't respond to this text, instead choosing to put the phone down and continue what I was doing. But in my mind, I couldn't let it go. I was imagining her doing the things I couldn't talk her into doing while we were together. I was wondering, do her claws leave scars on the sheets as they once left scars on me? Does she bite the pillow or her arm? Does she cry out when she's alone? Does her back arch, toes curl, body quake the way it did when I was making her come? Does she whisper for “more,” even though no one is there to indulge her?

I miss the sex. I almost texted it to her. That was it. It dawned on me suddenly and I was so unsettled by the realization that I had to stop what I was doing to let it process for a minute. I do miss it. All of it. From the slow, sleepy sex in the morning, to the rough sex that often left me battered and bruised and scratched and bleeding but still grinning from ear to ear. Being awakened with her crouched between my thighs—being shoved against the wall the instant I walk through the door—being pulled up by my hair after eating her out because she needed to kiss me, couldn't wait. The sex was one thing that was never wrong between us. It was always explosive, always passionate, always tender (yes, even at its most volatile). And I miss it. Is it okay to say that? Is it okay to feel that way?

I texted Andrew about it. (He's my go-to guy for personal reflection, because he knows me but tends to see me more objectively than Ark because we are no longer involved.) I said, I almost made a huge mistake. And I explained it to him. His response? He asked, “Aren't you and Dawn having sex?”

Well... yeah, we are.

My reply was that we do have sex, but that the sex is different, and we don't exactly have all the time in the world to do it, whereas when I would visit Gabriel we'd have all day and all night together. Dawn and I only get a few hours together alone, and both of us aren't always in the mood at the best time. You can't control your libido (and if you can, WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?!) and basically, the forces are against us! I expect that it will be easier for us once we're all living together (I know I haven't mentioned that yet! It's coming up, I swear!) and we can have privacy whenever we want or need it.

But my point is, my sexual relationship with Dawn is fine, and that is not why I'm suddenly missing the sex with Gabriel. I am satisfied with my sexual relationship with Dawn. I am much better at not expecting too much (sex-wise) from my partners than I used to be. I'm more excited to just be with Dawn, and am not so much focused on the sexual aspect of everything. Okay, so I'm still a horndog and I am always thinking about sex. But you'll just have to trust me that I'm much better than I used to be. Now, I place the responsibility for my sexual happiness and sanity on myself instead of on my partners.

I don't really have much clarity still as to why I miss it. I can only guess. I was in denial for a long time, growing up, maturing, getting older and more knowledgeable. I used to think, and I used to say, sex is not important to me. This isn't true. Sex is important to me. It is an integral part of my romance. I hunger for it, I crave it, I starve without it. It's possibly also true that if I don't get what I need from one source, I will seek out a different source. In part maybe that's where polyamory comes into play. As I discovered and admitted both to myself and to the world that I'm a lesbian, what was there left to keep Ark and I together? Why do we stay together? Because we love each other. Right now there's no sex in our relationship, but it works for us because he doesn't feel pressured to have sex when he doesn't feel like it, and I am free to seek stimulation elsewhere without feeling like I'm not good enough.

The best metaphor I can come up with for this situation is that this is kind of like gorging on a favorite food to the point of being sick of it, then staying away from it for a long time. You know what it tastes like and how it smells and how it feels in your mouth, and after a while, you start to crave it again. Maybe in a different way, maybe not so intensely, but it's something you know and something you love.

At this point, I just hope I retain the self-restraint I need to not go back.

Changes

Well, hello there, blog.

It's been a while, and that's my own damn fault, I know.

I needed some time to myself, and some time away from processing publicly. But, I'm back! Kinda! I can't promise I'll stay. But I can promise I'll try, and that's all you get.

I'm back and writing largely because a lot has changed. I'm not actively processing, because I tend to overthink and that may or may not make things worse. But as time goes on, I'm having little mini revelations, and not all of them are good.

I feel like, over the past year or so, I've grown and changed a lot. I'm stretching into my personality—Blue--getting more comfortable and accepting of the things that make me who I am. I've demanded that in no uncertain terms people either must accept me as I am, or not. I'm tired of hiding. It takes its toll on you, when you hold up a different mask for everybody. So I got rid of the masks. Most of them. I kept a few, and I'm sure we'll talk about that at some point, because it has to do with my depression.

What kind of things have changed? I'll try and explain.

1. I've had to accept things about myself.

In my life, things have happened to me, and I thought they were no big deal and I thought they didn't matter and I thought I didn't need to think about them ever again. But the truth is, a lot of things do affect me, and I need to face them and accept that they happened and they are a part of me. They are the reasons why I fear certain sex acts, the reasons why I feel like I have to give up what I want, the reasons why I am almost completely apathetic when someone is talking about their mother. I have triggers and I'm learning to notice them, to realize what sets me off, what pulls me down, and I'm learning to accept that it matters, and that even if someone else tells me it's silly and I should get over it, it still matters and their opinion of my thoughts, emotions and mental stability is irrelevant.

There were bigger, more important things I've had to accept, that other people have had to deal with as well. When Ark and I decided to be polyamorous, it was very difficult at first, but we worked through it and we're a stronger couple now than I could have ever hoped for. It was important for us to hit all this rocky ground and battle against the odds, because as I mentioned in my previous (very old) blog entry, I've more or less come out as lesbian. I learned that this is not always the end of a heterosexual marriage and I'm very, very glad it was not the end of ours. I love, want and need Ark in my life, and the ways we are growing are important to me. The new-old ways we're affectionate are more special to me than sex. Recently, I've been more “out” about my sexuality, though there are still certain family members who don't know, I'm sure a lot of them do. Maybe they don't understand my open hetero marriage and maybe they don't want to. That's okay. They're my family and I want to keep them, but like I said before, I can't keep myself in a little box and never come out.

2. I've needed more time to myself, which actually means...

I needed time away from Gabriel. The intensity of our early relationship is too much for me to handle long-term, and I am having a lot of trouble accepting that. Gabriel is a very intense person, and I can't ask her to change, but as it is, I often feel suffocated under her love for me. I want her to be happy, and I love her and, when I can handle it, I love being around her. When I can't handle it, I feel drained and grouchy. Words of commitment spook me; I have never been able to promise someone “forever.” I can't even begin to explain what a miracle it is that I married Ark. He is a truly amazing and unique person. That said, Gabriel regularly calls me her wife, and says she “married” me, etc, and this makes me very uncomfortable. It makes me want to escape, cut ties—I feel like I will never be able to give her what she wants and needs in a relationship. She needs monogamy. She needs someone who can give her all their time and all their love. I'm not prepared to give that—it isn't in my nature nor is it appealing to me in any way. I thought of a quote today that summed it up; “I may not be everything you could ever want or need, but I'll give you as much as I can.” What else can I give?

I'd really love for her to have friends outside of my social circle, and I'd love for her to find another girlfriend—someone who can be more full-time than me. She deserves that, she deserves happiness, but I cannot continue to give myself to her at sacrifice to my own sanity and well-being.

I've been taking time away—but it really looks like I'm drifting away, even to me. I don't want that. I still want to be a part of Gabriel's life, and I know she wants me to be (a bigger) part of hers. But can she handle only seeing me once a week, maybe once every other week, maybe once a month? Is it even fair to ask that? It may be what I need.

I feel like there's a lot of pressure when I'm in a relationship with someone who's monogamous. I go back and forth between saying I don't have a primary and I do—the truth is, I do have a primary, and that's Ark. My marriage and relationship to him are tantamount to any other relationships I may have. If a lover can't understand that and doesn't respect my marriage, I can't continue that relationship.

3. I've been taking time to myself.

This kinda goes with the previous statement, but it's different, and here's why. I've made friends, and it's wonderful. I finally feel like I'm surrounded with people I love again—my pack, my chosen family. The people I've met are amazing friends. They make me laugh and I so rarely feel alone anymore. I don't even know how to express that this is a huge big deal for me. It's so hard for me to make and maintain friendships (I've lived here for six years and only just recently made friends).

And old friendships are growing, in new and unexpected ways. A friend of Ark's from his old job, someone we usually saw once or twice a month, has turned into The Object of My Affection lately. I am totally addicted and feeling some heavy NRE with this girl. It's so funny, the way it happened, but well, maybe I'll explain that some other time. I don't want to wax puppylove over this girl and I know I will, if allowed. Which brings me to...

4. I've been dating.

Dating! Do you believe it? I don't. I've never been dating before. It's exciting and new and a little scary. I'm trying to get Ark to date, too (he needs a girlfriend who lives nearby). I had my first two dates (kinda) this week, and both were successful. I'm not going to tell you about them because they're private, and I don't have these peoples' permission to talk about them on my blog just yet.

5. Ark has been amazing.

AMAZING. You don't even know. I've had to lean on him a lot. The very, very bad bout of depression I had at the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012 had to be a trial. He's not reacted adversely to my affections on anyone else—granted, I am very careful not to be overtly affectionate to anyone else where he's watching me. Being around Ark and someone I like still makes me nervous, because he has reacted poorly in the past, but it's becoming clearer and clearer that maybe, just maybe, all of that is in the past, and I'm elated (when I'm not paranoid still).

I said it before but I'll say it again, my husband is awesome and he has grown in so many ways, changed in so many ways, becoming more accepting and curious and loving and happy. It makes me love him even more (is that possible?!).

So, all in all, some stuff has been happening and it's been great. Mostly. I work, I eat, I sleep, I see friends, I see lovers, I try to balance the world with my personal needs. So, I'm not dead yet! Still very much alive and kicking. Apparently, I just needed to go to Panera and sit down and decide to write a blog article.

my dog is an awesome dog

Have I told you lately that I love my husband?

I wrote an article for Life on the Swingset where I talked about how lucky we are. We, the non-monogamous, the swingers, the polys, the pans. We have so much love in our lives, so many people around us, so much life. I'm always a little excited when meeting someone else who is “like me,” who is open-minded and curious and accepting of all the craziness in the world.

I love my husband, and once upon a time, he was just as open and accepting as I was. I sometimes find his narrow-mindedness to be plastic, fake, something to hide behind. As I said in a previous entry, Ark is afraid to be interested in taboo subjects because he is such a people person and he doesn't want them to think strange things about him. I am almost completely his opposite socially. I'm quiet, an observer; I listen, soak up information, and if I'm around a lot of people I don't know, I gauge what I say depending on how they speak and act. But, unlike Ark, I am not afraid to tell people that I'm not funny ha-ha, I'm funny queer, mm-hmm.

This isn't to say that I'll just blurt out, “Hey, I'm Blue and I'm a polyamorous pansexual. Also, I don't believe in God, and I'd walk around barefoot all day if I could, and today my pubic hair looks like this...”

No, I do have a little more tact. Tact is something Ark lacks, which is maybe why he's afraid to be involved with these strange things—because he knows that, at some point, it'll just tumble out of his mouth whether he wants it to, or not. No matter how friendly or close I am with people, I know that some of them will not ever want to know things about me and I just keep it to myself, unless of course, they ask a question, and I will answer them honestly.

People ask us all the time why we got married, if we're not going to be exclusive. This is probably the question we get asked most often. For both of us, the answer is that we know we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other, regardless of who (or what) else comes up in the interim.

Ark is my home. Growing up, I never had a very strong bond with anyone except for my mother, and when she died, I felt lost in the world. I felt like there was no one left who knew me and loved everything about me. She was the only one I talked to. I'm not going to go into it here.

Ark is my home, and I say that to the full extent of the meaning. When people think of “home,” what do they think of? Ark says it's “a safe place, or the place where I can feel the safest. It's where I live.” Some might think of a house, or their pets, or the things that surround them that make their house a “home.” I wander. Things come and go and I know this. People also come and go, and I think that, seriously and honestly, if Ark went, I'd go too. If something came up and he could get an amazing job on the west coast, I'd start packing. Thinking about his absence fills me with cold fear, close to panic. Any time something is amiss, my first worry is, 'will this be it?'

My husband is amazing. He is the best husband a girl could ask for, I think. He rarely complains. If I ask him to do a chore, he does it. If I don't say I'm making dinner, he makes it without question. Regardless of the day that came before it, at the end of the night when we're on the couch together, I get foot rubs. He will do anything for me, a fact I likely take for granted from time to time. He's a great daddy to the girls (cats, people, not human babies... get with the program!). And he is super understanding and patient with me.

So, when we come to a little bump (lately the majority of little bumps have been due to the polyamory of it all), naturally I'm ready and willing to sit down and talk about it. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel as awesome in our relationship as I feel, and sometimes it's hard for me to realize that he is. I know that if he didn't love me and if he wasn't happy with me, he'd make it clear and he would leave. Ark wants to be with me as much as I want him to be with me.

This goes along with what I said before; that, just because I was the catalyst for this type of relationship and just because I appear cool on the outside about most things most of the time, it doesn't mean I don't feel jealous. Or afraid or sad or worried or apprehensive. I do feel these things. And I have to sit there and remind myself that... Ark is still here. He still treats me like a princess. Sometimes, he is less than princely himself, but at the end of the night, it's me he snuggles and it's me he kisses and it's me he declares his love to. We're tied together by paper, by law, but it's our hearts that really hold us to one another.

So, why did we get married? I married Ark because I can't imagine going through a single day without his love. Life is so comfortable and perfect with him loving me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, health insurance.