Moving In, Moving On

In October, we were forced to leave our apartment and seek a different housing situation. This was a huge disruption to our life as it was (we expected to have until December, the natural 'end' of our lease) but fortunately, we were already looking for a new place to live... a place that would be big enough for Ark and I, plus Dawn.

I've spoken before of wanting to live in a poly household—and now, basically, that is what we have. I can float between bedrooms (I don't have my own room at this point). We share the expenses and chores of keeping a house. Our cats mingle (for the most part). And best of all, both of my full-time loves are in the same place as me. “Home” is the same place for all of us.

Moving in together was both kind of a big deal, and not. Dawn still has her own separate space, so if she wants to be alone, she can be. But at the same time, moving in with someone you've been dating for less than a year is risky, and even though I was thrilled to have her with me every day, I was worried that she would feel too crowded and decide it wasn't a good living situation for her. I was also worried that Ark, having to face my relationship with Dawn every day, and my sleeping in a different bed more often, would revert back to his angry, jealous self from the early days of our poly explorations.

Fortunately, it seems like we got all of the good with none of the bad. We all coexist here happily. It's—quite literally, for me—a dream come true.

The year ended with a few other surprises. I kind of “came out” to most of my family, primarily by friending them on Facebook and not hiding anything (kind of a pussy way to come out, but it was quiet and subtle, and I like that). Dawn came with Ark and I to visit my grandmother and to visit Ark's parents. I actually introduced her to my father-in-law, saying, “This is my girlfriend.” It may not sound like much, but for me, it took a lot of balls (figuratively speaking, of course). I'm lucky and blessed that none of this blew up in our faces!

I even brought Dawn to my cousin's wedding, as my date. I kissed her and held her hand and we danced, surrounded by my family, probably people who, before that point, weren't quite certain what exactly was going on. I'm not entirely sure all of them know what's going on at all, but they'll figure it out.

It seems, though, that the people who do know that Dawn and I are 'together' have accepted it and have accepted her as part of the family. This is an amazing relief on my part and a huge joy to Dawn. (Upon meeting my aunt for the first time, and sitting around listening to us all talk, Dawn exclaimed, “Your family are all geeks!”) I have always felt warm and safe cocooned in my family's presence, and I feared that these changes would push them away. I'm so glad that it hasn't.

It hasn't been all roses, of course. While Ark, Dawn and I are finally living in happiness, people on the outside of our relationship have their doubts. Though Ark says he and I are doing great and we're happy, there are some people who just won't believe him. Some have been my family members, and some have even expressed that they think my sexual orientation is just a phase that I'll outgrow. (Really, to me, it feels as though heterosexuality is something I've outgrown.) I'm going to keep smiling, going to keep doing what I'm doing though—my relationships are my responsibility and my business, and what other people think isn't important. I know Ark is happy because I make sure he's happy. Isn't that what love's all about?

this blog entry will also be submitted to Life on the Swingset

I apologize for the long delay in updates! In our move, apparently I damaged my netbook, so have been unable to write. I just got it back though, and so naturally one of the first things I wanted to do would be to tell you all the good news! :) 

my dog is an awesome dog

Have I told you lately that I love my husband?

I wrote an article for Life on the Swingset where I talked about how lucky we are. We, the non-monogamous, the swingers, the polys, the pans. We have so much love in our lives, so many people around us, so much life. I'm always a little excited when meeting someone else who is “like me,” who is open-minded and curious and accepting of all the craziness in the world.

I love my husband, and once upon a time, he was just as open and accepting as I was. I sometimes find his narrow-mindedness to be plastic, fake, something to hide behind. As I said in a previous entry, Ark is afraid to be interested in taboo subjects because he is such a people person and he doesn't want them to think strange things about him. I am almost completely his opposite socially. I'm quiet, an observer; I listen, soak up information, and if I'm around a lot of people I don't know, I gauge what I say depending on how they speak and act. But, unlike Ark, I am not afraid to tell people that I'm not funny ha-ha, I'm funny queer, mm-hmm.

This isn't to say that I'll just blurt out, “Hey, I'm Blue and I'm a polyamorous pansexual. Also, I don't believe in God, and I'd walk around barefoot all day if I could, and today my pubic hair looks like this...”

No, I do have a little more tact. Tact is something Ark lacks, which is maybe why he's afraid to be involved with these strange things—because he knows that, at some point, it'll just tumble out of his mouth whether he wants it to, or not. No matter how friendly or close I am with people, I know that some of them will not ever want to know things about me and I just keep it to myself, unless of course, they ask a question, and I will answer them honestly.

People ask us all the time why we got married, if we're not going to be exclusive. This is probably the question we get asked most often. For both of us, the answer is that we know we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other, regardless of who (or what) else comes up in the interim.

Ark is my home. Growing up, I never had a very strong bond with anyone except for my mother, and when she died, I felt lost in the world. I felt like there was no one left who knew me and loved everything about me. She was the only one I talked to. I'm not going to go into it here.

Ark is my home, and I say that to the full extent of the meaning. When people think of “home,” what do they think of? Ark says it's “a safe place, or the place where I can feel the safest. It's where I live.” Some might think of a house, or their pets, or the things that surround them that make their house a “home.” I wander. Things come and go and I know this. People also come and go, and I think that, seriously and honestly, if Ark went, I'd go too. If something came up and he could get an amazing job on the west coast, I'd start packing. Thinking about his absence fills me with cold fear, close to panic. Any time something is amiss, my first worry is, 'will this be it?'

My husband is amazing. He is the best husband a girl could ask for, I think. He rarely complains. If I ask him to do a chore, he does it. If I don't say I'm making dinner, he makes it without question. Regardless of the day that came before it, at the end of the night when we're on the couch together, I get foot rubs. He will do anything for me, a fact I likely take for granted from time to time. He's a great daddy to the girls (cats, people, not human babies... get with the program!). And he is super understanding and patient with me.

So, when we come to a little bump (lately the majority of little bumps have been due to the polyamory of it all), naturally I'm ready and willing to sit down and talk about it. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel as awesome in our relationship as I feel, and sometimes it's hard for me to realize that he is. I know that if he didn't love me and if he wasn't happy with me, he'd make it clear and he would leave. Ark wants to be with me as much as I want him to be with me.

This goes along with what I said before; that, just because I was the catalyst for this type of relationship and just because I appear cool on the outside about most things most of the time, it doesn't mean I don't feel jealous. Or afraid or sad or worried or apprehensive. I do feel these things. And I have to sit there and remind myself that... Ark is still here. He still treats me like a princess. Sometimes, he is less than princely himself, but at the end of the night, it's me he snuggles and it's me he kisses and it's me he declares his love to. We're tied together by paper, by law, but it's our hearts that really hold us to one another.

So, why did we get married? I married Ark because I can't imagine going through a single day without his love. Life is so comfortable and perfect with him loving me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, health insurance.